I'm new here and I'm scared & lonely.

[Corey M]

Hi..... I am a 29 yr old female from Aus. I really just need someone to chat to at the least. The only person who I am speaking to about my problems is my boyfriend (but only once in a while because I don't want to burden him) and my psychologist. Both are quite supportive but I don't feel like it's enough. I can only see my psych once a month. I am absolutely shit scared about joining a support group. Groups of people make me feel so uncomfortable. I know I should get out of my comfort zone and take the risk but I haven't. It's a SUCH a catch 22 because I am so lonely and isolated but I am scared of social situations of any kind.I am forced to attend family and friend gatherings at times when I have used up every excuse in the book already not to go & I don't enjoy them at all. Then I go home to bed still unhappy but at least I'm not afraid. I absolutely love my niece and nephew but I still can't feel joy around them. It's like I'm completely dead and numb inside! I have taken meds for 9 years and will do for the rest of my life. They work to a certain degree, I mean when I've come off them in the past to see how I'd go I went straight back as I couldn't cope. Maybe I need to adjust them or try another?
I guess an important point that I should mention is that I was a drug addict for many years been sober for 6 months only. When I finally made the decision that I was sick of it all to the point of exhaustion every day I thought YES this is it I've hit rock bottom I'll b able to fix myself. I knew I couldn't heal until the addiction was treated.
I'm wondering if it's normal to feel like this in recovery and if it's going to be a really long process? Will I need to be patient and work on myself more than ever? My physiologist spent an hour in the last session talking about food and diet which was helpful but I feel like there's some advice out there I need that's missing. I need help. I'm starting to feel suicidal and although I Know I won't act on those thoughts it's just a scary place to be. I just wish someone could give me a crystal ball I could talk to.. will I ever get better? will I ever be the same person or similar to the girl I was before drugs took over?

[Fargin]

Welcome and thanks for you post. I recognize myself in your story.

For me my comfort zone was a scary and lonely place, filled with worry, sorrow, pessimism and hopelessness.

However the thought of going out of my comfort zone, the thought of getting better and improving my life, filled me with sheer terror. The feeling of danger was so real, I couldn't leave my comfort zone couldn't reach out. I was also horribly embarrassed, I couldn't tell my friends and family, that being around other people, even them, filled me with an inexplicable fear for my safety.

A couple of things changed for me. I think this show played a vital part, listening to people revealing and talking about their shameful thoughts and their struggles. I think, I got brainwashed with Paul's repeated speech of hope and getting out of the comfort zone, but also because my own comfort zone started shrinking and began to feel like a detriment to my safety and health.

For me realizing how limited and controlled by my anxiety I was, I understood the size of the task and that it would require patience and acceptance, but I also believe seeing the true size of my problem motivated me and helped me with my perspective. Being overwhelmed by fear meant, I had to control or avoid my feelings, but that also cut off my happy feelings and my hope. Examining my fear, the reason for it, my past, got me in touch with a lot of pain and sorrow, but I also slowly got in touch with more positive and likable aspects of myself. Confronting is probably a strong word,but expressing my fears, also got me in touch with my likes and loves.

By questioning my thoughts and the way I delt with my feelings, I also started questioning , who I really were. At some point I felt lost, but I also found myself. Anxiety is still present in my life, sometime it controls it, but by accepting my fear, I've stopped beating myself up(so much) and also accepted myself. I've stopped hating myself for my limitations, which has also given me more courage to examine my limitations, test them and in some instances expand them. I've changed, but I'm also the same.

Best of luck, it takes time, but it's worth the effort. I started my healing at 39, so you've got a 10 year head start.

[Corey M]

Thankyou so much for your reply. It means so much to me to just have someone to talk to who has been in a similar situation.
I can relate to the feeling of embarrassment and shame when trying to explain your situation to friends and family. I just keep it inside - the one time I tried to explain myself to my so called friends a few years back after we took a trip together they never spoke to me again. I was a 'disappointment' and a 'downer'. I wish depression was visible so people would at least cut me some slack.
I work a lot which drains me completely and over the past 3 years I don't have a single friend left to show for it. I feel like I've lost myself completely and I don't even know how to be a friend anymore. I feel like I don't deserve one because I'm so sick.
So I need to accept my fears, stop beating myself up and feel my feelings? just get out there and start over?

[Fargin]

So I need to accept my fears, stop beating myself up and feel my feelings? just get out there and start over?

In short yes, but just is a very loaded word.

It's a bit like saying, I just need to run a marathon or just quit smoking. For me, I've used a lot of imagery to help me understand how to get unstuck and change my ways. I've compared my brain pathways to how a river shapes a canyon, which is kind of why, no matter how I try to understand myself and my surroundings, I always end with a negative result. I'm trained myself to predict and identify negatives, which means I'm almost blind to positives and praise. So in order to change my thinking, how I react to my feelings and my behavior, I kind of feel, I have to rewire my brain neurologically, kind of like a river changing a rock canyon.

Maybe this sounds like an impossible achievement, but thinking of it this way has made me kinder towards myself and my issues. If I understand, that this is a long and difficult process, I can't be too angry with myself at the same time. We're dealing with anxiety and when we're dealing with it, we're facing our fears. So realistically we have to be reluctant and scared, when we do so.

I live a friendless existence too, but I've also decided, I had to retrain myself to be a more positive being, in order to even dare begin reaching out to people again. I think Paul said: "In order to make friends, you just have to be friendly." I don't know if I were ever unfriendly, but I've certainly been very joyless and guarded. I don't know how this post reads, but it was written in a positive and encouraging spirit.

If the Terminator can learn to smile, maybe so can we.