I feel dirty posting this.

[Oliveismydog]

I'm 22. I moved away from my college town back home to New England, hoping to escape the memories of the abusers I've been in relationships with, the abusers that have paid me and to whom I've reported, and the guy that maybe date raped me (but I'm not really that comfortable calling it rape because I may have lead him on? I'm honestly not sure because I was blackout drunk and can't remember what happened). I've been trying to outrun my depression since I was 11, outrun an eating disorder, outrun alcohol and drug abuse, outrun rampant self-harm. I can't go out in public without wondering how disgusting people think the sores on my face are; I can't touch anyone without shuddering. I've been lucky all my life but I feel sick inside and I feel like I'm at an age when I'm no longer allowed to be crippled by my depression and anxiety; it's selfish anyway and I need to move on from it. I still have flashbacks about being pushed into the back of that car as a man 150 lbs heavier than I pushed me down and tore off my underwear, or trying to drag my girlfriend out of the window where she faked a suicide attempt to draw me back into our relationship, but I don't even get triggered with panic or anxiety attacks. I just see and feel them happening and feel paralyzed an numb.
I still don't know if anything I feel is even real. No medication has ever worked, and no diagnosis has ever stuck. I'm in therapy voluntarily for the first time, but it's making me feel worse, like a firecracker is going off inside me and my skin is burning me from the inside out. I'm half wondering if posting this is evidence that I'm just a narcissistic attention seeker that needs validation from strangers in order to neutralize my shame and self-loathing.
I'm trying to be more candid about what hurts me, but my only outlet right now is strangers, because I can't imagine anything more terrifying than the people in my life knowing how hard it is for me to will my eyes open each morning.

[Brooke]

Your post broke my heart...please don't feel dirty about posting your hurt and trauma...my heart goes out to you... I'm so sorry about all of the abuse and rape that you have experienced...I hope you don't keep doubting yourself and taking the blame for what other men did to you...I can understand blaming yourself, because we all tend to blame ourselves when other people treat us badly...

It's exhausting trying to run from our problems, but I can't imagine how bad it must have been for you... My heart hurts for you. There's no age where we should be "outgrowing" our depression...please don't do that to yourself if you can... You're only 22 and some people have depression until they pass away at an old age... There are many times when I get frustrated at myself for "not getting over it already" but that will NEVER get us better, it's only making us feel worse.

I'm so glad you are getting help and I'm sorry that it's making you feel worse... I can't tell you what to do, but I just want you to know that you are not alone. I'm so glad I read your post, because my heart genuinely goes out to you... I hope that you feel safe to share whatever that is going on and just let it out. For me, just knowing that I'm not alone and reading about other people who are also struggling and connecting to them makes me feel calmer. We're not here to judge or give professional advice, we here to just connect and support each other in a safe, anonymous environment. Just know that a stranger out there somewhere is thinking about you. You are not a "narcissistic attention seeker." Thank you for having the courage to write about your pain. Keep writing

[Dragonfly]

Olive..
Oh sweetie. The abuse you have suffered so extensively breaks my heart as well! Good for you for trying therapy. Not all therapists are an automatic fit or the right one for you, so after a few times, maybe try another. That being said..maybe what you are feeling is some of that visceral pain we feel when we start facing/dealing with the abuse.

As for the guy who date raped you...if anything sexual at all happened while you were blacked out, it was abuse. The only way you can give consent is when you are conscious and without any disabling influences of drugs and/or alcohol. It takes time and work, but you deserve it! You deserve to get better..to get healthy, and to feel some peace without panic and pain. As for posting here... Please keep posting as often as you feel comfortable. There are some great people here. And sometimes it is easier to talk to strangers.

D

[Sir-knob-head]

I'm already protective of you!!!!!!

You've tried running from everything always. Maybe start trying to face it find who Is going to support you. And who is going to create more issues for you. Hold those that are gonna support you close. And fuck everyone else!!!

As a human being and half way around the world. I'm stood right behind yiu!!!

If I can help. Just shout!

Ps. Date rape is still rape. Drunk or not!! A real man would look after yiu. Protect you and hold your hair whilst your being sick

Stay positive sweetheart

[Sir-knob-head]

And know depression is just a label. IT DOESNT DEFINE YOU I've learnt to accept ot. Although I can't handle it