So scared of my depression right now

[Imissmysun]

It is really not irrational to feel abandoned by your therapizt. The nature of the work we do witg our therapist is really intimate. You give a lot of yourself into the process and starting over is like losing a life partner. Id say many of us are way more emotionally intimate with our therapists than our romantic partners.

I know how messed up i get after a break up. Losing your therapist is so very similar.

The feeling if sadness, overwhelm, abandonment and any other feeling you have is NOT stupid it is so understandable.

My heart hurts for you, but we can relapse when life throws curve balls, and i think life is a damn fine pitcher. Do not be hard on yourself. Do not think of yourself as a failure because you are not!

You are a beautiful empathic feeling soul trying to figure out this crazy physical life thing we are all forced to contend with.

Thank you for sharing.

I care and keep working on those small goals they do matter.

[rivergirl]

Thank you E, you just made me feel a bit less alone. And I've appreciated all the things you've shared about your life in your posts.

[rivergirl]

Imissmysun,
What you wrote about the emotional intimacy of therapy makes a lot of sense to me. And abandonment is a big issue that I've been dealing with in therapy.

Thanks for your compassion.

rivergirl

[Beany Boo]

rivergirl,

Good morning

Feeling shame that you're burdening others; that is healthy. That's your dignity kicking in.

But asking for help? That's your dignity as well. When you're experiencing what your going through its hard to ask for help because you don't know how much to share because you can't trust how you feel to tell you when enough is enough.

Let me say, you're not sharing anything on this forum that you need to be ashamed of, even if it's a struggle to know for sure.

With your therapist leaving; you're experiencing your therapist leaving but, BUT! You're also experiencing the stuff you came to them in the first place to work through. This is a chance to perhaps be slightly (gently, quietly) ahead of the abandonment and be aware of what is happening when it is occurring. It could feel creepy and painful. But it could be revealing. If you trust your therapist enough to let them in on it (even a little) you might be surprised by the result.

I'm speaking from experience on the above (so again sorry if I'm projecting) and I'm only suggesting it as an option; only do what you're comfortable with. You can always give yourself other opportunities later.

I had more to say but I've saved it to my desktop. This is a lot and I don't want to wear you out.

[fifthsonata]

Depression always gets worse before it gets better. I know it sounds cliche to say, but drudging up feelings and emotions you've probably repressed and finding ways to cope instead of shutting down.....it really makes depression WAY WAY worse before you start seeing progress. Therapy is triggering beyond belief, but if you can make it over that stupid-ass hump (hehe, ass hump), depression does improve.

You've got to be honest with the therapist about how you're feeling worse, and perhaps they can develop a treatment that helps you get through the worst of it, then lighten up as you improve.

[rivergirl]

Beany Boo,
You're not wearing me out and I'm just grateful that you're sharing your thoughts.

fifthsonata,
Thank you for your message. I think I could endure how bad I'm feeling if i thought it was at least partly due to gaining insight from therapy. I've also lost a couple of ways that I had of numbing myself over this past year.

[Beany Boo]

rivergirl

Good morning

In that case, part 2:

As for "l should be over it", a-fuck that!

I had clinical depression in my early 20's and have been navigating my way out on a modest budget for 20 years. I finally had a non-medicated breakthrough about a year and a half ago and I wouldn't change a thing. But I started my journey in a different time. Even if it were to take you that long, it would be worth it because it's how you feel in the end that matters. And for me, it's definitely worth it.

Recovery can reset or cancel a lot of the ache and weight that's unbearable. And the reason I'm on the forum is to help people avoid all the dead ends and slow lanes I had to work out through sheer trial and error.

I've only "known" you a couple of days and I'm already filled with pride reading your posts. Now that's embarrassing. And probably overstepping, sorry.

This is where the pride comes from.

What you're going through, these are little steps that carry a lot of weight. I feel privileged to be here to shuffle along with you.

[Elai-waitforit]

Hi friend,
I can really relate to how you said you are functioning on the surface but struggling underneath. You are heard and you are not alone. I hate how recovery isn't as linear as we would like it to be haha! But I wish you happiness and peace

[Imissmysun]

Elai and river girl

I call the struggle underneath duck feet -

They look like they are standing still and on top of the water they are serene and have their stuff together-

Underneath their little feet are doing all the work to make that appearance happen -

My brain is my duck feet and my body does what it can to appear calm and serene -

A lot of times I suck at it and I break things in my life - like putting off calling on a bill because I just can't use a phone right then - calling to order food instead of making it because I am emotionally worn out from just being a person for the day - I have to talk on the phone all day and be pleasant and type and blah blah blah and I just don't want to phone when I get home

[rivergirl]

Thank you, Elai. I wish you peace & happiness too.

Oh and thank you, Imissmysun. The duck is a great image. And being emotionally worn out just from being a person for the day is exactly how I'm feeling lately. I wake with so much dread that I have to face another day of doing normal person things.

Beany Boo, You're not overstepping. I'm glad to hear that you achieved a breakthrough and it's great that you're sharing what you've learned. This line you wrote really resonates with me: Recovery can reset or cancel a lot of the ache and weight that's unbearable. I would wish that for everyone here on this forum even if I don't believe it's possible for me any more.

I actually started my journey in an earlier time as well, since I'm now 54. I only got help very sporadically until this past year (I don't think there was as much help available or even the awareness of these issues when I was growing up.)

I can't tell right now how much of my depression is situational, how much unresolved emotional issues, or how much is just brain chemistry. I feel like if I could resolve a couple of the situational things it would make a huge difference, but I don't see how I can do that for at least a year or more, and I'm feeling trapped & like I won't make it that long.

Part of my sadness is also something that others here on the forum have expressed as living a "small" life due to avoidance & other issues. That describes a lot of what I feel about the past 15 years of my life. I lost my marriage when I was 38, then lost another significant relationship a year ago, and I can't stop mourning those losses or how small I let my life become over time. Now it feels like there isn't time to start over again.

Sorry for posting so much, but thank you to anyone who has read any part of it.

rivergirl (not a girl, and regretting my choice of names)