Advice about my N mother

[Mads]

So, I just realized that when I say my mother is a narcissist that she likely has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I learned partly from this site and others that I am the scapegoat child, my younger sister is the golden child, and my mom fits type 2, 4, 6, 10, 22, and 43 of the narcissistic types on his site, at least.

I came upon this realization when yesterday my mom got mad at my dad about something where he didn’t take her advice and had nothing to do with her. So, she packed a bag and made a big scene and took off. I posted about it on a private group I’m in on Facebook and someone gave me recourses about how to deal with narcissists. I did some googling and came to find that NPD describes my relationship with my mom almost to a T.

Now my mom is back and she’s acting like nothing happened. I’m staying with them only for one more week but I need some support. My parents will be helping me move on a road trip and I don’t know how il going to stand being around her for this much longer. I’m angry at her for acting like she is, I’m angry at my dad for enabling her and knowing he is and doing nothing about it, I’m frustrated that I’m here and I need their help moving, and I’m distressed that I don’t feel like there’s anything I can do. I want my mom to apologize to my dad but she won’t. I want her to apologize to me and my siblings for causing such drama but she won’t.

When I get to Portland (where I’m moving to) I’m thinking about cutting her off. I’ve already cut off my younger sister thanks to her taking on my mom’s narcissistic traits and my unwilling to deal with it anymore. I’ve thought about cutting out my parents for a long time, but I’m not sure how. Should I cut out my dad, too? He seems to be a victim in this just as much as anyone else. Can I just set boundaries? Would a narcissist even respect the boundaries that I’ve set?

I’m lost and hurting. Any advice or kind words would be greatly appreciated.

[Beany Boo]

I respectfully withdraw my post.

[Mads]

When I decided to cut off my sister it was after spending a week alone with her in another state. She completely idolizes my mom, who would use her as her emotional support when she was a kid. This, instead of resulting in my sister resenting my mom, resulted in her thinking my mom can do no wrong and that my dad is a huge jerk who is the cause of all my mom's problems. So, I see what you're saying, but without getting into details of the fight we had, it's a very different situation.

I try not to get sucked in. When my mom came up with the suitcase I walked away. I tried not to talk about it with my dad but only to hint at I think she is seriously emotionally disturbed. I told him that I'm mad at her and that he's anabling her and he told me to not be mad and that I'm right about his enabling but that it would cause too much stress for me to be mad and for him to do anything about the enabling so I should get over it, basically.

Anyway, I don't feel like it would be a punishment. My parents, especially my mom, are emotionally draining. My mom loves being in control of information in the family and uses it with us kids (there are 5 of us) to control us. I mean, I don't talk to my siblings hardly ever or at all in the case of my younger sister and one of my brothers. I don't understand why I feel like I have to justify cutting them off, but it was the right thing.

If you don't have a narcissistic parent or if you've never had to cut someone off before, I understand your comment. But sometimes it's the healthiest thing you can do for your mental health.

If anyone has suggestions or comments on how to cut off my parents who also have narcissistic parents, please let me know.

[Imissmysun]

I have a heavily co dependent mother a deceased bio father and a fing piece of pedaphilic poop for a step father. I see them maybe twice a year i talk to my mom maybe once a month.

Ive always been distant but i just started to wake up to why in therapy. I firmly believe that family is my chance. Its a forced contained group for our childhood but as an adult you can choose your family.

You can communicate through your father. Give vague updates. My family knows nearly didly of my life and that is quite alright by me.

Follow your gut. Get a therapist to help navigate it in the healthiest manner.

Spend as much time as you can outside the house right now. Do things you enjoy. Journal and express your feelings.

Its really amazing that 5 kids growing up in the exact same house have 5 very different experiences.

While it may be the hardest thing you do find your tribe find a therapist and right now just try to use your healthy coping skills to get through this hard time.

Thinking of you.

[Mads]

Hi, thank you for your comment. I'm also a part of a forum about narcissistic mothers specifically and one of the threads is about going no contact and it seems to be the concensis that you have to cut off the enabling father as well. I'm not sure, I like my dad and he's absolutely a victim and for cutting off my on it feels like it's the healthy thing for me but cutting off my dad feels like punishing him for being a victim. I guess he's willful in it, but it still doesn't feel right.

I guess going low contact first might be the best method. I'll just not call and see if they call me. It's a weird situation right now, but I'll try to explain. I was living on my own in another city and barely ever talked to my parents and I was doing really well. I was hospitalized for a physical ailment (I'm fine now) and they barely blinked an eye. It happened to be around the same time my golden child sister was getting married, so I was of course on the back burner. They even went up to find an apartment for my sister in a city 5 hours away after she got married and is supposedly mature enough for that, before seeing me. I of course got pretty mad at them (this is before I realized my mom is a narcissist) and they reluctantly at first but now very blatantly started to try to control my life. My brother, who I now no longer talk to, tried to convince me to quit my job and move back in with my parents telling me o have no friends. My parents started doing things for me and visiting constantly and even ended up sabotaging my trying to buy a house. On a seperate note, my younger golden child sister just bought a house and my parents were bragging to me how great she is and how she can handle it and etc. I didn't let them get to me at the time but now that I know that's part of the pattern I'm pissed about it.

Anyway, before I was in the hospital, like I said, I barely ever talked to my parents unless I called them. Now I'm afraid that they're going to want to talk to me all the time based on their recent behavior. Maybe being in another state will help. Maybe they've gotten over whatever took over them to care about me for a few months. Idk, but I hope it goes smoothly.