Can't even cry

[Tinyfiddle]

I feel like I want to cry as I have been most the summer but no tears will come. My face hurts from trying to look "ok" at work and I realize I probably just have an absurd look on my face and I am not actually succeeding. Wish I could stay at home in bed. I just added Wellbutrin to my cocktail ( Effexor, buspar, and seriously) the other day so maybe it is starting to work. Enough to prevent the tears but not enough relief to counter the feelings underlying the tears. A hug would be so great. I really miss physical human contact. Don't think I'll ever have it again.

[Hedgie]

I'm so sorry you're going through that right now—I've had that sensation too and it's a frustrating thing to experience. I have bipolar II but it hangs out in the depression end of the spectrum and I'm on two anti-depressants to combat that (effexor with a side of wellbutrin and a lemon twist for garnish). They just didn't unlock that feeling of being on the verge of tears like I wanted and unable to have. I wish I could have a frustrating or sad moment and be able to cry it out, or at least put the emotions I'm feeling inside into something real and tangible. Sometimes I wish I could get a hug too; in the meantime, I have a giant stuffed cat—at least it's warm and soft. Best $20 I've spent.

[manuel_moe_g]

Take care, Tinyfiddle. I know what you mean about just wanting a good cry to come.

[Beany Boo]

What you're describing sounds like a complex grief response; you need to grieve some/many things but fear giving into it and not being able to stop the tears once they've started or, having to just change in order to move forward.

[rivergirl]

I'm sorry you're dealing with so much, tinyfiddle. Sending you a big hug.

[Tinyfiddle]

Thanks everyone. I have actually been crying a lot all summer. This is new. Yes loads of grief. Divorce from an abusive wife ( narcissist?) facing losing my rights and custody to my kids, financial insecurity and a break up... It hurts. Winter is coming and that is usually when I am at my lowest. Never actually been as depressed in the summer as I have this year. Pretty scared

[Beany Boo]

I'm not a professional. I'm not even a podcaster. So none of this should be taken as professional advice or as based on actual experience.

You may need to grieve the loss of your family. You may need help with the pain of it. But you need to separate emotionally from your wife, through grieving her, and grieving you-with-them, so you can form a new independent relationship with your children. In court if all you can indicate is that you are there for your children regardless of the outcome that will go a long way. Once you've passed through the grief of your relationship ending you might get a clearer picture on your depression but in any event get help and support with your grief, to help it along, don't go it alone. When you're out of the tunnel you'll be disentangled from your wife's behaviours and your children will thank you later for being not influenced by her.

If you hold back the flood, you'll get stuck and just feel worse than you already do. Get help.

[Tinyfiddle]

Good advice boo thank you. I am in therapy and on meds. Haven't found the right med combo yet ( it's been eight months!) and I am on my third therapist this year. I think this current one will be helpful. Only been three times but she seems good. I will work with her on this and hopefully strategies for protecting myself and kids from her behavior. I am scared for them as well. They've got her on one side oblivious to her actions and me on the other side a depressed husk of a father.

[oak]

Hey TinyFiddle! I don't have anything profound to say, but I am glad you are expressing yourself. You are not alone.