The unwelcome guest

[rivergirl]

The Unwelcome Guest is a song with lyrics by Woody Guthrie and music by Billy Bragg & Wilco, and also what I'm calling my depression today. I'm not sure why. Maybe because it sounds less threatening than "the monster who relentlessly follows me & pops up just when I think I might finally be safe again." Apologies in advance for this post. I'm already berating myself because it feels self-pitying.

I thought I'd been making slow progress on my depression over the past few months, but now I'm questioning whether that was real or not. I can only guess why my depression is back. I don't know if it even matters.

I assume it has something to do with the fact that my autoimmune disease (a form of arthritis) that was in remission for a year came back a month ago. I felt resigned and didn't ask for help until the pain got so severe in many of my joints that I couldn't uncurl my fingers or toes or bend my arms and legs. Since I asked for help I've been on various combinations of pain medications and steroids. I just read today that steroids are sometimes contraindicated for people with depression (that's me).

I may also be feeling depressed because my therapist is going to be unavailable for the next few weeks. He's been having me come in once a week. My fear of not seeing him is making me aware that I've already developed a painful feeling of attachment to him. I'm wondering if I made a mistake seeing a male therapist.

I also seem to be more sensitive than ever this year to the days getting shorter. I fear daylight savings time and leaving work in darkness each evening.

It helps a little to get this out. Thanks forum for being here.

rivergirl

[brownblob]

hi rivergirl,
I hate to hear that you are feeling so bad mentally and physically. I've never thought to name my depression. I'd probably go with "The Weakness In Me" as a good name for it, because I blame myself for it. This time of the year is awful for depression as the days get shorter and the weather gets chillier and the leaves die off and you know it's just going to get colder and darker the next couple of months. I wish I had some magic words for you to pull you out of the depression but I don't. All I can say is take care of yourself.

[rivergirl]

Thanks so much for your reply, brownblob. It means a lot to me. I too usually think of my depression as an intrinsic part of me, and it causes me a lot of shame.

I'm hoping it's the physical illness/medication that's causing my depression to worsen again, and that I can get to a better place. I just can't see living long-term with this degree of emotional pain.

Thanks again,

rivergirl

[ShrinkingViolet]

Rivergirl I'm sorry you are having a rough time and in so much pain. I really feel for your frustration when you think you're making progress with depression, and then it comes back at you. I really empathize for how terrible that feeling is. Especially that it seems you've had so much come at you so quickly between physical pain, and disruption in your therapy schedule. So I guess hugs, and I'm hoping you find some relief.

[oak]

Rivergirl, I am sorry you are suffering. I hope things are better now.

[rivergirl]

Thanks so much, ShrinkingViolet and Oak. I'm in a bad place this weekend but the kind words mean a lot to me.

[rivergirl]

I've been told it may be the steroid I'm taking that is making my depression worse, so am going to start trying to taper off it. Not sure if I can manage physically without it yet so it seems like a catch-22.

Today I'm taking my sister for tests because the cancer she had a few years ago may have returned.

I'm scared and so sad.

I'm not giving up. I keep trying to do what is suggested to get better.

I keep trying to figure out all the things I did wrong to get to this point in my life, but that doesn't really help. I don't know how much of it is biological, my character, chance, etc.

Not sure why I'm posting this today.

[oak]

I am glad you posted, rivergirl.

[brownblob]

Sorry things are so rough right now. Hoping things start getting better for you.
Trying to figure out what went wrong in the past only distracts us from living today. Trust me I waste way too much time thinking about the past.

[rivergirl]

Thank you for reading my post & your comments, oak & brownblob.

We got through the tests and then I took my sister out to eat since she couldn't eat for about 18 hours beforehand. I feel a bit better now that we're done.

Here's to trying to just live today more often ...