Hinged on a maybe - repressed memories of CSA...or not

[conversion&converse]

Holy everlasting fuck do I relate to this.

I just had a session with my therapist where I spent the last fifteen minutes asking her if I'm crazy. If this is a real thing that happens to actual people. Can a person really reach middle-age and start to discover CSA is part of their history? Because I think it's happening to me.

I'm probably going to start a whole new thread based on my own experiences but I just had to reply hear too. It's been a while since your initial posting. But if you're still reading this...I feel this so much. Thank you so much for posting and I'm grateful I got to see it today. I hope that things have gotten clearer for you, if not better.

Take care

[Eljefetacoma]

Hi there. I'll tell you that it doesn't ever feel like you have enough information. Even though I'm pretty sure I know the extent of the acts i still wonder. Ny gf is finally talking about something her dad did and she's terrified that more will surface. It either will or it wont, but the most important thing is that we keep talking about it. That we keep being honest with iurselvesand honor our feelings.

The truth is we may never know the extent of the abuse. What we can do is listen to our bodies, name our feelings, and protect ourselves from people who've hurt us.

Much love. This shit ain't easy

[Bioluminescence]

Thanks very much, you guys. I find it so surreal myself, especially with no solid memories. But then again...does anyone want that kind of memory? But then again again, how do you move forward without processing it somehow?

@conversion&converse Yes, I think you can. I was listening to Trauma Recovery University https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC_pxd6 ... amM_uboiRA and one of the women said she recovered memories of her abuse only after she was married. So it seems pretty common for memories to pop up willy nilly. I've heard that traumatic memories aren't like normal memories (although this isn't from an article so take it with a pinch of salt) and they don't behave the same. I wish you all the best in reaching some peace of mind.

@Eljefetacoma This is very true and very good advice. I know a few fellow survivors and every talk we have about it is like a balm. It's hard to think that I might not ever know everything (or anything), but the more people I talk to on and offline, the more perspective I get. I'm still emotionally decapitated and out of sync with my body, but at least I know it now. That's the first step.

Chin up, guys.

[tragicsymphony26]

If anyone out there is feeling this, I just want you to know I GET IT. It's so hard and frustrating. I have had 2 memories since I was pretty young that have popped up but I always pushed them down because they were scary and I didn't want to deal with them. The first was me and my dad sitting on the floor. He was in his underwear and he was well. Lets just say he was explaining his anatomy to me in almost a medical way. Then it cuts off. The next one is a memory of me bringing that up to him when my mom was in the room- basically a way for me to tell her about it. But I didn't remember anything else. Still don't. I still question myself daily about it and now wish I could remember something, even though my brain is protecting me, so that I could just know for sure what happened and what didn't. But I may never know. But I do know what I remember now. I know how I've acted in the years since. That wouldn't be there without something happening.

[Heatherwantspeace]

Hi Everyone,
I'm 8 months in to having vague memories accompanied by strong feelings, physical sensations and a child's voice telling me things. This seems to be how it goes. I went back and forth for months on whether it was true, but have now accepted this is how my memories will come back. As I read somewhere, who the h*ll would make this up and put themselves through such torture. It has to be true.

Trust yourself and your feelings. If you want a hug, here's a hug. If not, I'm looking at you with love and understanding. I get it. I see you. You deserved better.
Heather