Trying/Failing

[void87]

Hey all,

I started a thread a while ago on the Introducing Yourself section and was really pleased to see all the replies but I didn't keep it up and I also figured it might be better for me to start writing hear.

So as a recap - I'm 29 year-old male, diagnosed with depression, previously diagnosed with anxiety (though this often manifests more as social anxiety) and I have issues with sex & love addiction and alcohol. I have attended CBT for social anxiety in the past and have been attending therapy for over a year and have recently been attending SLAA meetings.

I've reached a real low point recently and a worrying one at that. I recently finished a month without alcohol, which started with a false start (one week dry then a drink) but then did a full month without alcohol. I flexed my 'no' muscle and enjoyed the fact that I could still play gigs, see friends and socialise without alcohol. The thing I craved the most was the taste of beer and I think this has been my downfall, amongst many other things. I made a list of things I want and things I don't want with my relationship with alcohol and discussed these with my therapist. One of these was to have 4 dry days a week and on the other days I had the possibility to drink. However, coupled with intense arguments with my ex, unintentionally coming off my antidepressants, total dissatisfaction with my job, knowing my ex will be at a festival I was excited about playing and wanting to dip my toe in the water I had two days of heavy drinking over the weekend that later left me feeling grief, sadness, regret and suicidal thoughts.

I've been sober for 3 days since that occasion and I'm now a bit stuck with what to do with myself. I've been reading about AA and some of it rings true with me and I think I may go ahead and start attending some meetings.

The suicidal thoughts have been worrying because they've seemed really clear and almost void of emotional attachment. I've thought about ways in which I will kill myself, ways in which would be the quickest easiest and least distressing and these have been underlined by a feeling that the best option at the moment is that I just go and not be around. I've thought about just leaving where I am and disappearing for a few days. I feel I don't want to talk to anybody about all this as I really feel my mind is made up, which I guess is the worrying thing. I know this is all incredibly heavy but I just wanted to put that out there.

I met with my ex yesterday and what is no clear is that she can't be with me because of the hurt and mistrust I have caused during our time together. This has come from my sex & love addiction, which in turn has often been made worse by excessive drinking. I am heartbroken and full of grief and loss. We spoke honestly yesterday and I don't really know what's next for her. We spoke about my weekend and I also touched upon my recent suicidal thoughts which I regretted as I just upset her more and really wished I hadn't spoken to her about it at all. To be honest, I don't really wana talk to anyone I know about it because I know it will upset them. And I'm sick of upsetting people.

Anyway, I've said far too much. Thank you for reading.

[HowDidIGetHere]

Thanks for posting. If it makes any difference, you're story is much like my own—creative person with sex/love/alcohol/mood disorder problems that have blown up most parts of my life. One big difference, though, is that I was ten years older than you are now before I got into recovery for any of it. Hopefully you don't have to put in those extra ten years of misery.

You are definitely not alone, though.

[oak]

Thanks for posting.

To get a month sober, several days, is really great.

For me it took six months to clear the alcohol out of my brain.

If sobriety is for you, remember that there are as many ways to be sober as there are sober people.

[void87]

Hey all,

Thank you for your replies. It means a lot that there are people listening and sharing with me.

It's been another tough 24 hours. I saw my therapist yesterday which I very nearly didn't go to because I was so low (which I know it always means I should go!) and I'm glad that I did go in the end. I told her what had been happening with me recently and what I've been through. It was incredibly difficult and painful. I cried a lot and felt tension in my chest and neck and had urge just to cry and cry and cry. However, she did give me strength and she showed me that she cared, which made me cry even more! I was reminded that I do have a willingness to change and have been able to make changes and it is something I do have within me. We put a plan of action in place of things I can do to help myself for the next week and I need to start making the post of these suggestions. One of them was to seek help and support from male friends, which I did do last night and will do again today. I will also speak to my contacts at SLAA, not contact my ex (though I will talk about this more later), control my drinking, exercise, play music, call friends and do mindfulness.

I spoke with my ex via text yesterday after failed attempts of speaking over the phone and initially she was supportive and reminded me of the people that care about me in my life and we agreed not to be in touch for the rest of the week. However, there were some other texts sent about practical issues (a radio programme and finance) that we did talk about but this then led to another scene this morning that has left me confused. She said she was reading about BPD and whether I knew about it and that I should speak to a mutual friend about it. I asked why she was reading about it and asked whether she was doing it on her behalf or my behalf. This, sadly, was all done by text. She sent me quite a few questions from the diagnosis page from the NHS as well as a long list of symptoms. I said that I didn't know enough about it, I would look into it but I had nothing else to say on the matter. I called her and she put the phone down on me mid-conversation. This is all a reminder of why we shouldn't be in touch also. I am going to look into BPD. I have heard bits and pieces about it on the podcast but don't really know what it is.

Right now I need some rest, speak to someone from SLAA and see some friends. Thank you for reading.

[manuel_moe_g]

Thank you for posting, void87, we love to keep in touch with you. Keep the lines of communication open.

Glad to hear that your therapist session left you with a list of do-able things, so you can knock them down and feel effective.

All the best.

[HowDidIGetHere]

Thanks again for posting.

Regarding BPD, I know you didn't ask for advice, but I can't help myself. I would suggest that you wait and bring it up with your therapist before you read too much about it on your own. I've found that there's a lot of similarity between symptoms of BPD and general crazy addict behavior, as well as with symptoms of PTSD, so it may save you a lot of mental gear-spinning to go over it with a professional first.

Side note: an ex-girlfriend, even a well-meaning one, may not be the most objective opinion on your psychology.

(Again, an experience we both seem to share, so take it for what it's worth.)

[void87]

Hey HowdidIgethere,

I totally agree. Some of it rings true but some of it doesn't and I know it often overlaps with depression and addictive behaviour, so I'm a bit confused to be honest! And yes, you're right, an ex isn't going to be the best judge of character right now. After speaking with a friend about this situation it put a lot in perspective for me.

The week decided not to be in touch hasn't gone so well either. A few days ago I got a long list of questions about what I was doing last night, who I was with, where I went, whether I was drinking etc and it was all fairly exhausting. I reminded her that we aren't to be in touch, I also reminded myself that we both need this boundary in place. Along with her BPD texts there was one that was about wanting to save your partner and wanting to care for them but leaving to do it on their own and not being in contact is the best thing to do. I think she's forgotten this. I kept replying saying we should be in touch, even though I did respond to some of the questions I really wasn't in the mood to be answering any.

I met with my sponsor on Saturday which was really helpful and put quite a few things into perspective for me. We talked about addiction, spirituality, change and bettering ourselves. I came away with quite a few questions though about me and SLAA as well as the intent to write a list of dos and don'ts for the next week.

My ex contacted me again on Monday just before I was about to start my new job. It was another attack and was sarcastic and done with venom. It really didn't help. Especially on my first day.

I've just done my second day and to be honest, I am absolutely knackered. I've never done a job with so much manual labour before and it's really, really tiring. I made it home with aches all over my body and just wanting to go to bed. I am so exhausted and feeling pretty down. I know I will sleep well.