my diagnosis

[vernal]

I was diagnosed with schizophrenia in the beginning at the age of 19 or 20 and I am 27 about to be 28 very soon.
I am not going to be telling stories of my disorder for I don't think there is a need to do so.
what I do want to say is that I do not fully embrace having the disorder.
I believe all the things that have happened and are currently happening I can explain what is going on and I have reasons for my actions.
I do know I am not totally in control of every aspect of my life but I don't need to be labeled and put aside and have my individuality and self esteem put aside to rot.
I understand the weight of the disorder and my struggles but I believe most of my problem is how the world around me reacts to me and who I am.
I am maimed by the stigma and can not rationalize it in my head how this dog eat dog world will ever give me a chance or the time of day to make my place in the world.
i am reaching out to see if anyone has some words of inspiration and compassion and to share memoirs of life to embrace and thrive from.

[manuel_moe_g]

You are correct: You are not your diagnosis. Please take care, all the best.

[brownblob]

It sounds like you have a good perspective on your situation.
Life is a struggle for everyone. I wish you luck with your struggles. I've suffered from depression my whole life. When I was younger, I was out of control at times. I ended up getting committed after several suicide attempts. I questioned my sanity. I couldn't see any way I could have a normal life. My family still treats me different because of this experience. But I managed to get out and get a crappy job and muddle through life. That was 25 years ago and things have gotten better for me over the years. I wish I had some great inspiration for you but I don't. Life is a struggle and sometimes you just have to put your head down and just try to muddle through and try to block out the negativity coming from the people who judge you.
Anyway, I feel compassion for you and your situation and hope for the best for you.

[vernal]

i appreciate the non judgemental replies and actually the fact I got replies in the first place.
I am not my diagnosis, I just hope that the new people that come into my life will understand this.
I believe they will but the problem is, is that they are either going to hold a stigma or have pity for me.
my friend said that he thinks that I want to believe there is something wrong with me.
that is a really loaded topic though.
If I do, then I might have this self fulfilling belief that will lead to depression, low self esteem and there a diminishing standard for what I stand for.
If I go through this relentlessly headstrong, I will probably do and say things I regret and be blind and arrogant to all that I am.
I want a balance, I don't want to be extreme, radical or a walk over.
i was hospitalized twice and the second time, i got out and went into government housing.
it was ghetto and the people there were in another world and didn't show ambition.
i had to get out... in the past i was working as an auto mechanic but couldn't keep a job longer than a year.
i would get angry, bored and unmotivated.
it lead to a nervous, mental breakdown and i had to quit.
the government housing was driving me crazy so even though i had bad experiences with being a mechanic i got a job got myself out of that blackhole.
i kept the job for a year and had a breakdown because i went off my medication and the stress got to me.
i guess i am right back where i started and the reality of it all pains me from head to toe.
where do i go now?
i am searching and i hope i can find some path that makes me feel fulfilled.

[manuel_moe_g]

I don't see someone who deserves stigma or pity. I see a person with challenges; granted, many more challenges than most people. You already identified the need to walk the middle way avoiding extremes.

I sometimes hate my own challenges, but in more peaceful times I see my challenges as the basis for my ability to feel empathy and my ability to give authentic sympathy to people.

Please take care, keep the lines of communication open, by opening up here you are already exhibiting bravery.

[HowDidIGetHere]

I really like the Buddhist philosophy on such things:

• If a thought or action is reducing the suffering in your life and the lives of others, continue to do that.

• If a thought or action is increasing the suffering in your life and the lives of others, do not continue to do that.

Diagnoses—names of any kind, really—can be such a burden.