I have just spent 5+ hours trying to write an introduction for myself. I wrote and wrote and deleted and deleted and edited myself into oblivion. I wanted to say absolutely everything about myself I wanted to, I wanted to feel a sense of catharsis, I wanted to represent myself unambiguously and completely for you all, and I wanted to feel good in the end about the whole thing.
Unfortunately I keep having this experience. Anytime I try to do any kind of journaling at all, to myself or for others, including filling out Paul's surveys and trying to create a coherent post here, I tend to let it eat up my entire day. I get frustrated, I bite off any nails I have left, I beat myself up for not making sense or rambling on for far too long, I neglect whatever I needed to do that day, and I eventually end up still in my room, late at night, upset, with a massive headache. Truthfully of all my problems migraines is not one of them, they only seem to come up when I'm having a very particular type of struggle, like this one. Sometimes I end up sticking with something, but I hate it, and sometime I scrap absolutely all of my work.
This hurts and does not feel good at all and I find it extremely discouraging that I can't express myself in words the way I want to. The act of writing just causes this massive overreaction on my part I can't seem to control I don't always know what to do because I so often have no one to talk to in real life and all I can think sometimes in the middle of a day like this is 'I need a hug, and all the writing in the world won't do.'
Why does committing anything to words hurt so much? Does anyone have any advice for working on this?
My main interests/issues here are, but not limited to, chronic pain, mind/body pain disorders (TMS/Sarno, anyone?), anxiety/fear, severe depression, fibromyalgia, CPTSD, teenage drug addiction/homelessness, SAD, and I could go on and on..basically, in a lot of pain, super sad about it, and feel like I've gone so far down the loneliness rabbit whole I'll never learn to reconnect with people...this is the best thing I've written all day I guess.
Still, my neck and head and brain hurt now, and I don't feel much of a cathartic release. I feel so much angrier than when I started
I hope I can learn to get better at this with time so I can feel like an active member here instead of giving it up like almost everything else I ever try. A lotta love in this community, for which I'm immediately grateful to all of you (and Paul) for creating and fostering.
Thanks for listening,
nice to meet you all
