Ongoing: living anxiety workbook

[oak]

Anxiety Saturday (tomorrow)

1. I got another ingrown toenail procedure done, and tomorrow I take the the bandages off (grossness anxiety), and have to put the prescribed ointment on it (scared of pain).

2. Tomorrow I am planning to go to my friend's show. This is a great social opportunity, but also hits just about every anxiety I have: anxiety around attractive women, driving in the winter, being around drunk people, crowds, and public bathrooms. I've decided to stick with it until my anxiety gets to a 6 or 7.

I'll post later this weekend as to how I do with these anxiety-causing situations.

[bigeekgirl]

Bravo, oak! You should be so proud of yourself and your courage.
I am excited to watch your progress and growth.

[oak]

Thanks so much for your encouragement, BGG!

On Friday I had toe surgery, then I caught a cold the next day, so I can't walk or talk. It seems hopeless that I'll get back out there to face my social anxiety. I am so tired, sad, lonely, and beat down by life.

Then I read your post and felt hope. I'm really glad you took the time and effort to post it.

[rivergirl]

Hey Oak,
I'm sorry to hear your physical condition is getting you down the past few days. Take good care of yourself and remember you have lots of supporters here, including me!

rivergirl

[bigeekgirl]

oak - *high five*

You are doing such a great job! Money and paperwork and "business of life" stuff is SO hard.

[oak]

Rivergirl and BGG!

Thank you so very much for your kind messages. I borrowed ESH from your messages long enough to face a big big fear: because of your messages I balanced my checkbook and tracked my spending for this pay period. I am too sick to walk or talk, in order to "get out there" and face my social anxiety, but I could take a brave look at my finances.

Action Taken

My anxiety reached a high of 3, but my sense of shame was a strong 7, well.... 8 or 9. I was ashamed at my inaction: I saw I budgeted $50 for emergencies, and $20 for dating. My hopes and aspirations. I realize that between car tags, car insurance I will likely have nothing left over. At least now I know, to the cent, where I stand.

This is what will have to suffice for "success" for today.

Me Using My Words, and Taking a Risk to Be More Open.

This is really hard for me to say, so here goes:

I am interesting in dating some of the amazing Latina women I have met.

I am attracted to all sorts of women, and I want to dare to dream. I want to date more women, and a greater diversity of women.

One Good Thing

I was proud to have spent $21.04 on web domain and hosting for my portfolio site (I hope to make a move to coding, and this will be the main thing employers will look at). I can say, without sarcasm, that using HTML and CSS I've built a simple website that would have been excellent in 2002. I have also, following a tutorial, built a clone of Pong using JavaScript.

[oak]

Hi friends.

I have a lot of anxiety and thoughts swirling around my head. I am trying to focus on facing specific fears/actions, while limiting my thinking about resentments and hypotheticals.

I am still having trouble walking and talking, and I have two good actions to take nevertheless: looking for an apartment (this is the first time I've had to look for housing since getting sober) and meeting for the last time with my EAP counselor. I can still hardly talk, due to the laryngitis.

I'm off today, so I'll spend some time in the Bourne workbook. I'll post here this weekend with an update.

Thanks for listening.

[oak]

I faced my fears!

tldr: After some awkward admissions of previous personal-finance mismanagement, the apartment manager and I were soon laughing laughing laughing. Also, in my final EAP counseling session she encouraged me to act to be more of my authentic self, and to ask out who I am attracted to. (Latinas, often)

1. As I was driving to look at the apartment (remember, I've never done this since I was sober) my mind kept racing so I calmly repeated to myself: "All you have to do is breathe and be honest". My mind shortened it to "Breathe and honest".

I suppose I look respectable enough, and I work for a well-known institution, so the meeting started off great.

When the time came for the dreaded credit report, I got her attention and admitted that around the time I got sober, ten years ago, I made a number of financial mistakes my more recent history has proven I won't repeat.

While there is nothing particularly funny about alcohol abuse and poverty, once we got that out of the way, the tension dissipated and we were soon laughing. Just two people trying to make it through the day.

Lesson: if I had hid, equivocated, or minimized my earlier mistakes, I would have acted weird, which she would have picked up. Though it is embarrassing to talk about alcohol abuse and financial ruin, like all fears once they are out in the light they wither to nothing. Humans are whats important.

2. Because her next two appointments didn't show, the EAP counselor spent three hours with me, which was great.

This concluded my second set of three EAP-funded sessions with her (the first, 18 months ago was about assertiveness, and really worked).

I am on the anxiety journey. I want to spend more time in the Bourne and social anxiety workbooks. While I am attracted to all sorts of women (remember: there are as many ways to be an attractive woman as there are women), we discussed my attraction to, and fear of, Latinas.

Generally, she warned me about prioritizing secondary gain over authentic self. So: is my goal to ask about a bunch of women, or to face my anxiety? In practice, when I pursue secondary gain (ie dates) then nothing happens. But! When I face my anxiety, and do exactly what Bourne recommends, women are attracted to me.

Going forward, I want to face the anxiety of asking my bank for a loan (for the apartment deposit), and I am still having considerable trouble walking due to my ingrown toenail surgery. I can talk, more or less, but want some more vocal rest.

Above all, I admitted to hear that I am afraid to read and apply Bourne, not because I think it won't work, but because I know it will work.

I am a work in progress, at best.

[rivergirl]

Congratulations on facing your fears about applying for the apartment, Oak!

I'm also glad that you were able to make it through the extended EAP session, and that it was helpful.

Being ill is usually like an extreme version of HALT for me, so I'm impressed that you managed to accomplish as much as you did while dealing with being ill and also recovering from a medical procedure.

Rest up and be kind to yourself. We're all works in progress.

[oak]

Thank you, Rivergirl, for your great encouragement! It certainly gave me space to breathe.

My wonderful EAP counselor and I identified two sources of anxiety: personal finance and dating.

Actions taken today

Finances: today I balanced my checkbook after each transaction. A minor miracle: I get paid twice a month, and I probably spend twenty days a month with less than $5 in my account. This pay period, for the first time in months, I didn't run out until four days before! And that was because I filled up my gas tank, and got plenty of groceries. Knowing it is good to have "uncomfortable and good" conversations sooner than later, I told the friendly cashier that my limit for food was $53. (I knew this because I sat in my car and balanced my checkbook before going in.) She was careful to subtotal me. Like the apartment manager two days before, often if I make plain awkward possibilities, they lose their power.

Dating: I flirted with someone!

Per my social anxiety workbook, I have a plan, or what will have to pass for a plan, to invite her out if I see her again.

Feeling emboldened, I later applied for some JavaScript jobs that I'm not qualified for in the next big city over. The (fine) daughter of a family friend lives in the suburbs of this big city. She sends me texts with the heart-eyes. (I think that's a sign [thinking emoji].) Though I study my JavaScript every day, I don't feel I'm ready to apply for these jobs. My EAP encouraged me to question the rules I create in my head. I applied for two positions I'm barely-or-not-qualified-for so I can plausibly see her if they offer me an interview. The chances of getting an interview there are small (say 5%), but better than the odds of not applying (0%). I am only doing all this to have the chance to see her.

Facing my fear, I also read a book about flirting via text (this has caused me endless anxiety), and I also cracked open the social anxiety workbook.

This in today's PostSecret gave me encouragement:

https://postsecretdotcom.files.wordpres ... =526&h=314