Ongoing: living anxiety workbook

[oak]

Two quick updates of actions taken today:

1. Financial: Whether Dave Ramsey likes it or not, I'm applying for a credit card! Both for an apartment deposit and to rebuild my credit. I have considerable shame about my poor personal finance choices ten years ago, and talking to bankers this week is one way to face it. I called the first bank today, and it went great!

Details to follow.

2. Dating: I felt regret for not asking out the very attractive brunette at that store, so I went back tonight on the pretext of buying gauze for my toe. She wasn't there, but the reason I went there, was being willing to invite her out, was this:

It is not a question of "Am I Enough?" I struggle each day to live so I can act/believe it.

No, I was willing to ask her out, and this may not make sense, because:

Courage demands it of me.
Life expects it of me.
Adventure.
Endeavor.

[brownblob]

Best line I heard about credit cards was: Use your credit card, but don't let it use you.

[oak]

I'm taking anxiety action!

Actions Taken Today:

* Yesterday I called my EAP for more in-depth mental health care. The regular 3-session counseling was amazing, but I want to look into psychiatry etc. I was scared but I called!

* Today, facing a major fear, I went and got right with the BMV. They were actually super nice. I even got flirted with (see below).

* I talked to the banker about opening a credit card. Fairly scary, but it helps to take prompt action for action I need to take, rather than to wait for inspiration/courage.

* I went to the dog shelter volunteer orientation. Before going in, I realized that anytime I feel uncomfortable pushing my boundaries, it has so far always gone well.

Musings

* I am the same Oak I was six months ago, but this week people have been super kind to me. On Tuesday, at work, someone I helped ten days ago (and had totally forgotten helping) emailed out of the blue, saying that they were "in awe" of my work performance. Then our front desk person walked by, leaned in, looked me right in the eye, and said I was a very thoughtful person. This morning, at the county title bureau (not the sexiest place), the gorgeous person who transfered my car title gave clear signals of interest (she had a wedding ring, alas).

I am feel happier and lighter. Everyone always talks about confidence and peace, and I'm actually experiencing it. Especially after taking action regarding my personal finances.

Posting here, in this forum, has been a major help. I'm reading my anxiety workbooks. Thanks for listening.

[brownblob]

You always impress me Oak with how you are constantly working at making your life better.

[bigeekgirl]

You are doing amazing! Those moments of peace are priceless and hard won.

[oak]

Thank you, friends!

Action Taken Today

Believe it or not, I repeated your screen names as I nervously waited for an apartment manager to show. I felt silly there, standing out in the cold. "Brownblob, Big Geek Girl" I said, something of a mantra. It worked! I faced my anxiety and did what I needed to do with dignity.

Today I faced considerable fear in being willing to meet with an apartment manager (she didn't show, but I did show up on time) and applying for a loan at my bank.

Flirt update:

Today, while I was buying some berries, I caught a beautiful cashier staring at me.

(Let me say this, playfully, kindly, and joyfully: heterosexual women are so obvious when they stare! After a lifetime of being invisible, now I am charmed when they stare. They just stop, with a blank look on their faces. Very charming and sexy!)

I of course went to her line and we had a flirty little conversation about berries.

Musing

Yesterday, after making a number of difficult, anxiety-facing calls during my lunch hour, I slipped into a sense of joy and wonder while working, late in the afternoon. The kids today call it "flow" or "being in the zone", and the olden times people called it "rapture". It was as if someone else was doing my job: I was doing it in a light, nimble, playful, kind, sweet, and showy way. One moment I'm laughing on the phone with one enduser (the content of my job is not particularly joyful), then sending a playful and helpful email to another, before I realized what happened. The closest thing I can compare it to is a dance: technically proficient, and breaking the rules of ordinary stodgy decorum in a knowing, joyful way. One thing about modern American society that makes me so sad is the lack of joy and celebration of work, and the worker of gives so much of themselves in a worthy effort. Work is love made visible.

After a long week of work, II am a bit burnt out on facing my anxieties. Overall this has been a great experience. Still sometimes I'm a little emotionally and physically raw from these actions. I am going to self-care for myself by consuming plenty of inspirational content. In practice, the Hamilton soundtrack and the timeless, sweet stories by O Henry help me feel human again. I might get out Sunday for some flirting.

[bigeekgirl]

I'm so thrilled to be a tiny part of your journey.

I so relate to the tiredness from the hard work of personal growth. It makes sense, too. Our brains use something like a quarter of our caloric intake just on a normal day. When I'm trying to do something I'm afraid of and grow new connections, I can only imagine how much more it's taking. Great reason to snack while you read, if you ask me.

[oak]

Yes, certainly, BGG: you and the others have played a very important role in me facing my fears. I borrowed your courage and ESH.

Action Taken Today: Ask out one woman, didn't ask out another

1. So I've been texting for a few months now, a very attractive woman. She started with the heart for eyes emoji a few weeks ago, and I would reply with a flame and heart. I plainly asked her out via text. So, I'll either have a date (yay!) or let her go on her way, clearing up emotional space within me for someone who will go out with me. I've not heard back from her, but felt relieved after taking this action.

2. At the grocery store, I saw a woman with dishwater blond hair (oh goodness, one of my weaknesses) looking at non-dairy creamers. I was all sorts of attracted to her.

I knew Courage (or Life or Adventure or Endeavor) was demanding of me that I say *something* to her. I sidled up to her, starting an unlikely conversation about "vanilla milk". She gave an enthusiastic sharing of her opinions of vanilla milk, of which she didn't have any. "Sorry I couldn't be more helpful!" she said, in a way which I took to encourage further conversation. Instead I just stood there, blankly, at milk, which I have no interest in, and let a woman, who I am intensely interested in, walk away. A few moments later she was in front of me in the checkout line, and I said nothing.

I began to beat myself up, verbally, but then I remember that is contrary to what the Bourne workbook says to do. I said, weakly, to myself: "Today I took action. I got a little further than I did yesterday".

That will have to suffice for a success for today (sniff sniff [insert fake courage].

Though I am sad today, I will read my social anxiety workbook and do cardio tonight, then maybe find the courage to invite out the foot desk woman at the podiatrist's office tomorrow! (crosses fingers!)

[oak]

A happy little update

Today I went to the pharmacy for an antibiotic. It was cold and rainy, and I was still sad about not talking to the pretty girl at the non-dairy creamers yesterday.

One of the pharmacy clerks materialized, and I saw that she liked me!

Her eyes were shining, face glowing, and big smile. We had a brief flirty conversation about orange chicken.

It was a nice little bit of encouragement. I'm trying, and mostly failing, to do what the anxiety workbooks say. Experiences like this encourage me to keep trying.

I'm facing big big financial anxiety the next two days, but in the meantime I'm going cherish this little victory.

[oak]

Another happy little update

Last night I found the courage to ask out a woman, and she actually said yes!

Texting to set up the date we vaguely discussed is now my anxiety.

Considering how cute she is, I am trying to keep this as an exercise in managing anxiety, and not letting my imagination run awry.

Still, the only reason I invited her out was because I am practicing facing my anxiety.