On a journey of self discovery

[cinnamongirl]

Hi there,

I’m not sure who will read this but I feel like I have to get this out into the world. I feel like there is something very wrong with me. In reality there are many things, but I have this sinking feeling as if there is something really deep down that I’ve been hiding from myself for longer than I know.

Depression is my oldest friend. I’ve been diagnosed with major depressive disorder and dysthymia. I’m on medication. I was a sad and lonely kid who wished I’d never been born. I’ve never stopped feeling this way. I have zero self worth.

I have anxiety. My current therapist has diagnosed me with panic disorder. Anxiety has fucked with my life so many times that I’ve felt like I should just throw my life away. I remember playing Mario brothers as a kid and being jealous that if I messed up and my character died, it was ok because you’d just start again from the beginning. I want to start again. Why aren’t there do-overs for life?

I can’t stop myself from picking at my skin and pulling out my hair. My mom always had marks on her face from picking her skin, now it’s the same for me. I get so embarrassed sometimes that I can’t face myself in the mirror. The hair pulling started a few years ago. For some reason it was very soothing to find the “weird” hairs and pull them out. This progressed to the point that I can’t keep my hands away from my scalp or my face. I’m constantly searching for the next imperfection to remove so I can experience some relief. Even if I pull a few dozen “normal” hairs to get to the one I want, even if my skin is red and pockmarked and bleeding, it just brings a wave of calm that I can’t get enough of. Is this just an extension of my perfectionism? Probably. Fuck.

These things are all issues that I can work on, and I am. The thing that this podcast has helped me discover is that I am not in touch with my feelings. It’s hard to pinpoint how I feel at any time. I don’t know what to tell my therapist most of the time because I’m so accustomed to telling everyone that I’m fine. This is an insidious lie that prevents me from getting close to friends. I had to be “fine” to survive my childhood.

This may sound weird but I have a hard time accepting reality some times. I don’t know what the deal is but I think it’s also tied to a fucked up perception of time. Sometimes I think I am years younger than I am. Sometimes there’s a thought that I can fix things if I could only go back in time, and this genuinely feels like a valid option. Sometimes I plan for the future for an even that has recently passed and it’s startling that this time has already gone by.

I had a lot of shame and secrets that I hid from my husband and my therapist. I think I kept them from myself too because acknowledging them meant that they were reality. I don’t know who the “real” me even is because I had to tamp myself down to avoid punishment as a kid. Typing this brings tears to my eyes. There is a darkness inside of me that I need to acknowledge to get better. I just don’t know how.

Listening to this podcast has been so revolutionary. I’m kicking myself for not listening sooner. I’ve been subscribed for probably 3 years but just kept scrolling past it on my phone because “I wasn’t ready yet”. I can’t thank Paul and his guests and survey respondents enough for sharing their struggles, for being so brave, so vulnerable.

So, here I am to share and read and learn. I’m making strides to discover some things about myself that will bring about healing. Most of all I want to stop feeling like a gigantic piece of shit. Thanks for reading.

[brownblob]

I think we were separated at birth. I relate to a lot of what you wrote. I struggle with depression with some anxiety thrown in. For most of my life I didn't even know I had anxiety. I just thought that was my normal. I have trouble knowing what I feel. Often, I'm just numb. I don't want to feel and I also have so little self worth that I don't believe my feelings matter. I tell people I'm fine, but in my mind FINE= Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional.
I have always lived a little bit in fantasy and telling myself lies about my life. I have a weird perception of time and my age too. I'm 48, but I live in this time warp sometimes where I feel like my twenties were a couple of years ago. I know that feeling of what if I had just done something different in my teens or twenties and become someone different.
Good luck on your journey to healing.