Subject lines give me anxiety

[Electric_Myst]

Hi forum world.

I recently discovered Paul's podcast and have been binge listening. I love it, except the time when a guest made me realize that I might have ADHD...

I've been struggling with anxiety my whole life and with some serious bouts of depression over the past 2-3 years. My M.O. is usually making massive changes in my life to shake things up and distract myself, but once things settle, the unsettling feelings return...

I started therapy about two years ago, dug into and excavated some deep shit, made some real progress, but then hit a plateau and got severely depressed. But when my therapist suggested I go on anti-depressants I instead moved across the country! I just started seeing her again via video sessions, because I've had horrible depression recently after some traumatic experiences in relationships and my career. I have a problem with alcohol, but deep down I question whether its truly a form of alcoholism or just a serious habit of coping. I am deeply mistrustful of the AA paradigm/history, but do think I need help. I always hear Paul talk about support groups, but can't seem to find them in my city (Minneapolis, which is a major city). They all seem to be for very specific diagnoses that I don't have.

I'm feeling incredibly alienated, isolated, lonely and emotional. I wake up every day and it's like a roulette wheel. Some days I have tons of energy and can focus and feel motivated and some days I wake up, can barely get out of bed, cry all day, and can't do anything. I'm realizing that I have never had a true baseline of feeling content in my life. Ever. I've never been content. There has always been something missing, major angst, melancholy, feeling like I don't belong. I feel I might be getting close to figuring out why or what it is, but even that is scary. I feel like there is something stuck inside of me that needs to come out, but I can't figure out how to get rid of it, or express it.

Anyway, I'm hoping that digging into this forum gives me a little bit of a sense comradery and community....

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello Electric_Myst, read your post. I wish I could give specific advice. Please take care, use this forum as a resource.

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[Brooke]

Oh...I can so relate to your anxiety... I hate the feeling of anxiety more than anything...you feel lonely and weak (well, that's how I feel anyway...). It's interesting that your MO is to massively change things up. It makes sense since anxiety gives you those jittery, nervous energy. I used to have massive anxiety attacks where I felt like I was falling and falling with nowhere to land. I couldn't deal with it myself and had to call and text everyone I knew...how annoying, right? It wouldn't make me feel any better and it compounded my feelings of being pathetic and lame...

Now, I take anti-depressants and my anxieties aren't that bad, but it still comes up sometimes. I hate taking meds, but to be honest, they have really helped... (I'm not suggesting you take them or anything, just sharing my experience!)

I think your insight into your alcohol habit is spot on. I think many people turn to alcohol to cope with their feelings. I think many alcoholics would admit to that as well... I hope you can find something else that will help you to cope with your feelings, since alcohol is so damaging to your body and could potentially rob you of your life...(no judgement!)

I don't think I've ever felt contentment in my life, too. I've never thought of it that way until you mentioned it. It's so scary to really see what's going on inside...I know the feeling... I tend to run away from those uncomfortable feelings, too. But right now, it's staring me right in the face and I'm trying to face and accept the deep, dark self. For me, it's the feeling of being powerless, weak, scared of people, etc. I'm so uncomfortable with that self. So usually, I distract myself by acting strong and bitchy...

I hope you can find out what's inside and slowly start to understand yourself. Proud of you for getting help!

[pacificgreyclouds]

First of all, I love your subject line because they give me anxiety as well. I'm a long time listener of Paul's podcast as well and it's one of the only podcasts that gives me peace during the trying times. Please know that we are here for you. I'm new to the forum so I don't have too much else to say (introvert here too). Hope to see you around.

[randomletter_uckface]

Hey there! I feel you.

I'm pretty sure that Paul is talking about some 12-step groups when he says "support groups".
I have 2 years of experience with groups for adult children of alcoholics (ACA or ACOA), Al anon (for anyone in a relationship with an addict/alcoholic)
Also SLAA (sex and love addicts anonymous)

There are many different support groups out there and you'll find their meetings in your city on their respective websites.
The quality of the groups may vary, some groups are kinda sick but some are really helpful and full of warm people talking about Real stuff (just like Paul does).
Sometimes you have to search a bit before you find the right type of group for you but it can feel very liberating to just sit down and talk to people who felt like you and got better.
And you don't have to qualify specifically with alcoholism or addiction for the meetings I mentioned above, you can drop in as a visitor if you are not sure you belong there.

I started going cuz I got alcoholism in the older generation of my family and the effects of it has trickled down to me, so yeah.. I hope I could help you out a bit. Either way I hope you find some comfort and support that you can turn to. <3