these spoken words have been helping me find a way to express a lot of what I feel, so here's one that kindof introduces me:Paige
is my name
I have no claim
to fame.
I am twenty five
very much alive,
but drowning
in my mind
with thoughts
so deep
they suffocate me
when I try to speak
or try to sleep…
it makes me feel weak.
To fight back
at my feelings
I wear a thick
“feeling-proof”
shield
made with jokes, confidence, ambition…
all emotions
concealed.
Truth is,
I’ve got pain
that’s unhealed.
Writing
poetry
this way
is a platform
I’m trying out
to say:
Hello ,
this is me.
I may
walk alongside you
every day
and play
pretend.
I am a registered nurse
so for work
I’ll don on
a glove
caring for people
you love.
Emergency and Intensive care
are the specialties
you’ll find me
they are places
I can be
completely in tune
with my patient’s repair
ignore my own despair;
my patients come first
and that is a blessing
at work.
But, it can be a curse
putting other people
first.
For when I am home
only then,
when I’m alone
do I transcend
into a place
I wish
I could erase
deep in my mind
where I always find
feelings that try
to drown me.
In the deep, dark
water of my mind
I swim around
so inclined
to overthink
feelings that
remind
me of moments
through my life
that made me feel
shame,
alone,
afraid,
disowned,
ugly
dumb
worthless
but even worse-
numb.
There is much more
to me
than my darkness
you’ll see,
I’m more
than what I do
for a living
I’m more
than the fake smile
on my face
more than
a female
or a
race.
So I will write
lots of stories
to show you inside
the thoughts
I’ve always before
tried to hide.
I hope
if I do
open my mind
to let you in
I’d finally
begin
to set myself free
through my
transparency.
Thank you for
listening
to me.
