Where Does Thoughtfulnes End and Codependency Begin?

[TonyM_Guest]

The COVID-19 quarantine has meant that I am living full time in the same physical/mental/emotional space as my spouse and I must admit that I'm really starting to struggle. It was okay for a while but now I'm running into traditional expectations from her about expectations she has of me. They are triggers for me because they symbolize my codependency and my tendency to try to "bank good deeds" so that I can cash them out later for love/attention or to use them in an effort to control my environment so that it is less uncomfortable to me. She sees these as reasonable expectations and says things like "if you were only more thoughtful, you'd just do this/that" or "I have a right as your spouse to expect you to do these things."

Where does one begin and the other end?

[manuel_moe_g]

I don't have an advice, but I totally know what you are talking about, Tony. All I can do is pray for me to have grace and patience. Take care, you are a good and thoughtful person.

[TonyM_Guest]

thanks, manuel_moe_g. being seen is all I can ask for, I know.

[snoringdog]

Hello Tony,

I'd like to respond, but I'm not sure I understand what you're describing.

I'm thinking that "thoughtfulness" taken to an extreme becomes a bit intrusive to the other person, like the "hovering" that nervous hosts might do at a party, right?

The "thoughtful" person doesn't feel validated unless they receive some sort of exaggerated response? Is that anywhere in the ballpark?

Could you elaborate?

Regards

SD

[TonyM_Guest]

Hi SD:

I understand your perspective, I think. If I understand yours correctly, it's if I *voluntarily* was being too "thoughtful" then it would become intrusive. In my case, I am setting boundaries about what things are appropriate for me to take on things that I don't think are appropriate. Then, my spouse is telling me that I'm not "thoughtful" enough because I'm not "reading her mind" to do things that she expects even though it is a clearly set boundary. Is that more clear? This pattern is engrained enough in me that I used to try to anticipate everyone's needs and be "thoughtful" by doing things for them before they would even ask. If I look at the CoDA control patterns, it fits perfectly in line. (1) I don't want her to be mad at me, (2) she will be mad if <insert thing> isn't <insert way is preferred>, (3) I do the thing, (4) she doesn't notice that <insert thing> was done and gets mad anyway. It's a control pattern because I was trying to control my sense of safety by predicting what people wanted in order to prevent them from getting mad at me and taking it out on me. I know it's a fine line and that's the entire nature of my post.

[Heatherwantspeace]

Hi Tony,
I wanted to comment on this because of how familiar your partner's behaviour felt to me. I'm not commenting on her or her motives, just myself.
I know when I would get hurt because my partner wasn't "being thoughtful", it was insecurity on my part. Part of my personal growth has been to ask for what I want and the thoughtfulness is when my partner is responsive to my request (or explains why they don't feel my request is appropriate). When I don't ask, and get hurt and upset, I know that I'm having a bad day and needing some reassurance and I try to ask for that. This process can take a whole day sometimes but I try to get there.

It's nice when my partner surprises me with something from the bakery at breakfast. It's just as nice when I ask him the night before, and he brings me exactly what I want. The second one is easier to make happen.

Big support for trusting your instincts and knowing what's right for you.
Heather

[Beany Boo]

I can validate that the statements are controlling. It’s natural to feel hurt by them. It would also be natural to take a step away and let a rupture show. One that would require repair.

She may be struggling to say the thing she needs and feels frightened that that’s even happening.

She’s demanding help you may not be able to provide, nor should you be able to. You can’t be ‘everything.’

Neediness is an acceptable behavior. All you have to do is hold a space for her while she’s experiencing it. If you can model that for her, she can learn how to hold that space for you when you run into that feeling yourself.

[TonyM_Guest]

thanks everyone for the feedback. I love the perspective.

[oak]

Thanks for sharing, TonyM. I"m glad you used your words.

Let us know how this goes. Keep us posted.