Homelessness

[snoringdog]

Hello Beany,

The idea comes from Robert M. Sapolsky's book "Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers", and there are quite a few recordings of his talks online.

Interesting stuff.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Why_Zebra ... Get_Ulcers
https://www.acesconnection.com/blog/the ... and-trauma

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nvQmKIJJ3tM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2bnSY4L3V8s
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D9H9qTdserM

[oak]

You are not forgotten, BeanyBoo.

[Beany Boo]

You’re gonna make me cry, Oak.

So something unprecedented happened today and which I’ve always feared. My boss is an undiagnosed narcissist? I’m not a professional. He’s (maybe) not malignant?

He was talking at me relentlessly. I felt it coming and couldn’t control it. I just took off my glasses and burst into full on tears.

He sort of carried on and then finished and then walked away; not responsive but not oblivious either.

The weird thing is I didn’t feel embarrassed or ashamed. I had simply reached a natural limit.

He came back later and tried to be sympathetic but eventually fell back into explaining the ‘rightness’ of his argument. I just sort of felt sorry, not for him but the situation.

I think it’s the pressure I’m under. Also, I tremble exercised again this morning to shake the fear out from between my shoulders and in my psoas muscles. I think it left me less inhibited and I could not stop my response to him.

This morning, I involuntarily said, “I’m sorry dad” and felt a bottomless sob well up. Luckily I was alone in the toilets at the time. I don’t really know what I was sorry for but it felt like maybe I irrationally believe his alcoholism was my doing, which is... something to work on.

Anyway, I feel relatively okay; supported. You don’t have to fix any of this. But as before emotional support is very welcome.

[Beany Boo]

Sorry SD,

I didn’t ignore your links. I think this shaking idea is the first real lead for me in a while.

I also wanted to say, perhaps as a trade with you of good stuff, I’ve been watching Post Radical and Abandoned by Rick McCrank. They are soothing to me.

Thank you for the name and the links. I really appreciate it.

[Beany Boo]

This might not be everyone’s speed. I’m scrambling for anything that keeps me out of fight or flight response.

1. Stoic’s negative thinking exercise: take something that scares you, losing a job, a house, a person. Take the moment when this fear crops up. Now in another moment, a quiet one, let yourself take the next few steps in that direction, willingly. It’s a kind of inoculation to boost your emotional immunity.

See podcast Hidden Brain ‘Minimizing Pain, Maximizing Joy’

I’ve been doing it and it has value. Go gently though.

2. Zen exercise: Similar exercise, quiet moment, a few seconds, contemplate your own death. There’s something about contemplating it willingly, that makes it not so daunting, kinda peaceful, and not something to complicate things. Again be gentle.

Reference: Zen The Art of Simple Living Shunmyo Masuno

[oak]

Sometimes our humanity just has to burst out: sobbing at work is one of the most honest things a person can do.

I’ve done it myself, and it is a very human thing to do.

[Beany Boo]

Thank you Oak,

It felt good to be completely honest in my response. I felt like I’d been managing his emotions by suppressing my own. That melted away.

[manuel_moe_g]

Beany Boo, I am so glad you are going through this transition with the benefit of your own amazing wisdom.

When I go through crises in my life, I only have my own "broke-ass" wisdom to guide me through.

Please take care, we are all sending you everything we can to help you through this.

[oak]

I hope you continue to hang in there, Beany Boo.

Many people here are pulling for you. This very post is a humble effort to encourage/remind you that you are not alone.

[snoringdog]

Hello Beany,

I've been unable to connect to the forum for a week, not sure why.
Not much energy to write at the moment, but I want to acknowledge your posts.

I too have cried and apologized to my parents (post mortem) a few times, basically wishing that we could have understood each other better.

I also wonder how much my fear of death (why is that.. exactly ??), being shamed, and the attendant anxieties have driven my life choices .....

(I have admitted it to myself a few times recently, and for the moment it loses it's sting... Wondering if a psychedelic session might be of help)

SD