Homelessness

[Beany Boo]

I continue to feel fairly even today.

I realize I generate, or comply to, a level of certainty in my life that may be unhealthy.

Anger was forbidden to me when I was little. My dad use up all the oxygen on his anger.

Now, I can feel anger provided I want something or just want... and wait for the something.

If I feel angry because something I want is not available to me, I can tolerate a greater level of uncertainty.

It also feels better if I don’t have to anticipate stopping the flow; out of embarrassment or shame.

[Beany Boo]

It’s definitely a film with sadness in it, but also a lot of compassion and stuff to learn.

[Beany Boo]

Another fairly even day.

I haven’t been on social media for 8 years so this little stint is the most diarizing I’ve done that I can remember.

I can’t tell if I’m floating or falling

In other words I’m adjusting to a new uncertainty.

Something has definitely shifted. I don’t feel anxious. Let’s just say I feel less surprised by a chaotic element in the world, but also less responsible for it.

I don’t feel pushed to reach for happiness. If I don’t feel calm, I don’t feel concerned. I seemed to be practicing sadness, anger and fear minus shame about it. People are responding well.

Today I packed, went to lunch at the port, bought extra moving boxes. I dropped my table on my head when I was dismantling. Thankfully there’s no injury. I called my sister and had a great conversation with my nephew. I threw out a bunch of stuff which was surprisingly easy.

I feel very solitary in the world but also intact and independent. The recent stress seems to have erased needs that were plaguing me. My main concern now seems to be getting enough to eat and enough sleep. The next priority is doing things to provide support for eating and sleeping; like work, exercise and leisure.

I’m writing this as someone whose been anxious their whole life. My anxiety level dropped a level this time last year. And it seems to have dropped another level now.

Last year it dropped after I took action to avoid burnout at work, something I’d never managed before. I guess my psyche deemed me more trustworthy and ratcheted down the anxiety level.

Now that I successfully navigated a loss of accommodation, my psyche has deemed to turn down the anxiety level another notch.

It feels like doing calculus but I guess it makes sense; you face a challenge and you gain confidence. I don’t feel confident. I feel small and humbled but just less anxious, with slightly more tolerance for uncertainty. And less like I’m constantly on trial.

[manuel_moe_g]

Great to read this in the New Year...

Now that I successfully navigated a loss of accommodation, my psyche has deemed to turn down the anxiety level another notch.

Outstanding. Blessings to all on this little forum, especially you Beany, the Zen Master of the group! (I don't know if that is how you feel on the inside, but that is exactly how I treasure your contributions.)

[rivergirl]

Hi Beany,

I'm glad to hear that your anxiety has eased another notch, and that you're finding it possible to allow yourself to feel emotions without as much concern and shame. I keep encountering this idea that trying too hard to escape from anxiety and other negative emotions can actually exacerbate them. Learning to accept and tolerate negative feelings can make them less powerful. I don't mean to say that I fully understand the concept, but it sounds like you may be experiencing a bit of this type of acceptance and relief.

It sounds like the inner child in your psyche feels relieved finding that adult Beany was able to manage this crisis?

I'm glad that you didn't have a head injury after dropping the table! Wishing you good sleep, nutrition, support, and ease in the coming days.

Happy new year to you, Beany.

rivergirl

[Beany Boo]

Thank you MM. I feel punch drunk. I appreciate your sentiment nonetheless.

RG, I think I am coming to the conclusion that they’re not negative emotions at all. I’m also on the path and don’t know definitively. I won’t say they’re positive. I guess I’d say you don’t have to feel them powerfully for them to have an effect. If I feel them as an adult, I don’t feel selfish, naughty or weak. Also, I feel them and they subside. And people respond unpredictably to them. I’ve discovered there’s room to learn and move.

[rivergirl]

Beany,

I didn't even notice that I'd used the word negative to describe certain emotions. Intellectually I now think that emotions aren't negative or positive, they're just a part of being human (or part of being a living creature.) I was brought up to view certain emotions as sins and as worthy of punishment, and I probably still carry some of that conditioning despite working on this in therapy. I've found that sometimes the unpredictable responses of others are disappointing, but they can also be surprisingly beautiful. Keep learning and moving.

rg

[Beany Boo]

I may understand what you are saying. I suffer from the same urge to punish myself for experiencing feeling. It’s coupled in me with relentlessly needing to have clear strong emotions; versus say, ambiguous, changing, modulating ones. Then there’s the compulsion to fix myself on my own rather than seek help. “If only I can find the right words I’ll be okay.”

I learnt a new word: perseverate.

I really have little clue today; which is not to say I’m not being as gentle as I can with me. This is my diary entry for today:

Another day.

I packed some more with moderate success. I think I’m nearly done. I felt very needy upon waking but in hindsight it may have been from a hot night, not enough water and overdoing the packing yesterday evening. I don’t minimize feeling needy though anymore; everyone goes through it. I just know not to seek reassurance for it. If I’m not with someone I trust, I just stop where I am and try to provide soothing, safety, security and being seen to myself.

I pulled a muscle in my hip yesterday, possibly during the head banging incident with the table. I took much greater care today with it.

Because it’s Saturday I decided to go see a movie. Our state is very low risk right now but the level of complacency is approaching zero, as no one wants to go back into lockdown. I saw Wonder Woman 84. It did take my mind off things. I lost my hat though. I let it go.

I’m resting this evening so as not to overdo and repeat this morning tomorrow.

I have enough time to pack and clean before move day.

With the lowering of anxiety though that I mentioned yesterday, it seems to have been replaced with a heightened sense of vulnerability. I guess that makes sense. I’m familiar with the heightened state, from therapy, engendered by vulnerability. As far as I can tell, the ‘solution’ is to just be. Vulnerable being is different from say, day to day being.

Right now I’m lying on the floor in the twilight in the AC feeling kind of emotionally sore in my chest and throat. It’s not overwhelming and it doesn’t feel like it’s going to last forever or anything. Vulnerability is like tunnel vision, it just limits the kinds of thoughts and decisions I can make it seems.

I’m just going to lie here and imagine a button that has written on it “perseverate”. I’ll imagine holding my hand over the button without ever pushing it.



Later I might read from my Zen book. “Let go, or be dragged” is my favorite Zen saying.

I think in the midst of this personal stress and the wider difficulties what I’m trying to keep a hold of is the connection to other people. A living connection. It’s not life or death or anything. But it’s not habitual either. I want to work out how to keep allowing the reconnections.

[rivergirl]

Thank you for sharing, Beany. I don't feel able to articulate a reply beyond this, but wanted to say that I see you and appreciate you.

rg

[Beany Boo]

Thank you Rivergirl. Struggling to find something intelligent, comforting or helping to say can be counterproductive. I find pulling together more than one response per day exhausting.

I’m also not writing to get responses (although they’re welcome). It’s simply to share and see my thoughts in some sort of order.

Im not relying on you all to ‘keep me going.’ Just for I guess, recognition of the problems? And you don’t even necessarily need to say anything for me to get that. I can just keep putting them in the forum.