Mind racing, through Tue Jan 18: goals, CBT, session.

[oak]

Hi friends. My mind is racing.

This is Sunday night. I'm off Monday, and have my regular counseling session Tuesday. That's all good, and I am doing well in general. Except my mind is racing right now, as I explore some CBT.

Part of my "homework" for my CBT session Tuesday is to complete 2 or 3 Automatic Thought forms, of when I am overwhelmed by anxiety. This thread here is me using my words.

I've set my phone to ring every five minutes. Here is my plan to hold on, for tonight:

First five minutes: use my words to post here.
Second five minutes: work on a Automatic Thought sheet.
Third five minutes: read 5 minutes of the CBT book.
Last five minutes: Write the broad sweep of my goals for 2021.

I'm trying to make this as easy as possible for myself. To have really low expectations of what "success" is for the following. To use my anxiety exposure hierarchies.

With your kind indulgence, I'd like to post here in about a half hour from now, and also Monday and Tuesday. I am getting a

Otherwise, friends, I am doing well. I just want to get out what is in my head into a bigger reality. Thanks for listening!

[manuel_moe_g]

I just want to get out what is in my head into a bigger reality.

This is a quite meaningful sentence. I will start using it myself.

Please be compassionate with yourself about your automatic thoughts. I would beat myself up about my automatic thoughts; I would say "Shut up, shut up, shut up" to myself to try to stop my automatic thoughts. It kinda worked, but at what cost, it just increased my self-hatred.

Take care.

[oak]

Thanks Manuel Moe, for the encouragement! I'm glad my thought proves helpful to you.

I'm pleased to report that I accomplished all four goals, with the only criteria for success being: spending five minutes on each, however poor or shabby the outcome.

I'm out of spoons for tonight (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spoon_theory), and tomorrow I'll take up several actions, and report here.

Thanks for listening!

[rivergirl]

Congratulations on accomplishing your goals, Oak.

I'm familiar with the spoons theory. You're wise to recognize how much energy you have available this evening and set reasonable goals.

rg

[Beany Boo]

If you get this wrong Oak, you’ll get a lot of other chances, which is good because it can take awhile to absorb a new thought process.

You also don’t have to decide up front how this affects your reality and the people in it.

However it occurs at first is not necessarily an indicator of how it will grow.

Having said that if you get upset by this, no ones going to blame you; you’re entitled.

Box on!

[oak]

@Rivergirl and BeanyBoo: thank you, as always, for your generous encouragement! It means a lot to me, as does Manuel Moe's kind words above also.

Monday 1 of 2: The Plan

1. I already have completed one CBT form this morning, regarding cleanliness.

2. Per the spoon theory, if I only have one spoon, I'll do the first. If I have only two spoons, I'll do the first two, and so on:

a. Meal prep whole-food meal for the week (my GERD recurred for the first time in six weeks, and it was hell. Fatty foods are really difficult for me. More anon.)

b. Get out of the house, even just for five minutes.

(The following are sort of secondary)

c. Guitar practice, record to measure progress (this is actually going well!)

d. CBT book read, prepare thoughts for counseling session tomorrow.

e. Martial arts forms/tai chi/stretching

I'll post again tonight with a report. Thanks for listening!

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello Oak, good morning!

What the the CBT book you are reading, if you don't mind me asking?

Spoon theory is very interesting, I will have to think about that. I would guess that I feel in my subconscious that I should have infinite spoons, so I need to think deeply about it and take my time, the usual way I get my conscious mind and my subconscious mind into harmony.

Thinking about it more, I can make notes during the upcoming days and try to figure out exactly how many spoons I use during the day.

[oak]

Certainly, Manuel Moe:

1. Book: https://www.betterworldbooks.com/produc ... 1848312548

(I like Better World Books because their used paperbacks usually come out to $2-3. Even if some of them are duds, and many are, I find it a cost effective method of getting used books, since perhaps 1 in 10 is really worth a lot to me.)

I like this book's conversational, light, fast-paced tone. It doesn't treat CBT or anxiety lightly, but it does keep the foot on the gas to the fireworks factory.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8tRoIgNZ8Z8

2. Infinite spoons: I identify. In my drunken days I'd convince myself thus: "I must do everything perfectly right now (eg infinite spoons)." [very soon thereafter:] "I did not everything perfectly instantly, therefore I have permission to do nothing."

3. A median day has 3 spoons. A rare day is no spoons or something like 5.

I don't consider the following spoons, though they are important, because so far no matter how bad things have gotten, I've always managed to do them: get out of bed, shower, take Buspar, and eat.

Here are typical spoons: shaving, taking the trash out, "projects": like today (see above), I got through "a", "b", and "c" today. "d" and "e" simply weren't going to happen.

Big spoons: running the dishwasher, walking 1/4 mile and back outside, counseling sessions on Tuesdays, practicing guitar for ten minutes, talking with my father on the phone, a telehealth appointment, vacuuming one area of my apartment, wiping down the kitchen or bathroom.

As I've said elsewhere in the forum, in general I am either (1) making it, but barely or (2) Barely making it, but I'm making it.

btw, anyone is welcome to call the above depression, and I wouldn't disagree. But I have deep doubts that I have clinical depression: I don't want to claim that diagnosis, unearned. What I do have, in great volume, is grief. It manifests exactly like depression, so maybe that is a distinction without difference.

That concludes 2 of 2 for Monday. I'll have another two tomorrow to wrap up this thread. Thanks for listening!

[oak]

Tuesday 1 of 2:

My mind really raced this morning: perhaps it was a proto-panic attack, weird Buspar reaction, cabin fever, or some other sinister physical/anxiety mess.

I felt a little better after eating, taking a few minutes to listen to the (recommended on this forum!) UCLA mindfulness app, and sitting down to to work.

So the last of the three-day exercise here is my regularly scheduled session with my counselor. Today I hope to discuss:

1. My CBT Automatic Thought forms

2. My respect for honest nihilism vis a vis courage and endeavor. While I respect what I call "honest nihilism", I am in love with someone, and I need courage and pluck and endeavor to win this person. While I have a big nihilist streak in me, there is some urge, a visceral urge, toward meaning, specifically *this meaning*.

3. Playing "live" for my counselor, to practice my guitar playing in a safe environment. Aaagh!

I'll post here shortly with an update. Thanks, as always, for listening!

[oak]

Tuesday 2 of 2

Friends! I successfully made it through Tuesday.

This was a difficult three days, but I have a deeper understanding of CBT.

I also have increasingly detailed plans to get deep into the practice and application of CBT with my counselor in the next six months.

Thank you for listening and for standing by me.