Sadness for What Wasn't

[remarks]

I hope I can explain this so it makes sense. Sometimes I get really sad thinking about all the normal things I never got to experience as a teen/young adult. I lived with my bipolar mother in a situation where I felt like the adult most of the time. I had to make sure the bills were paid, make sure she went to work and doctor appointments, keep the house together, etc. It was just the two of us.

So I'm 37 now and every once in a while strong sadness comes over me when I think about the kinds of things I never got to experience. It's often triggered by tv/movies where young people are doing young people kinds of things. I'm talking about hanging out with friends, getting into trouble, making out with girls, stuff like that. I never got to have the care-free time because I was too busy playing the adult role. I have a pretty good life now - wife, kids, decent-paying job...but this still gets to me at times.

How do I get over this? I would talk to a therapist about it, but I'm not even sure how to approach the topic. Can anyone relate to these feelings?

[oak]

Thanks for sharing! It is good to have you.

As far as how to fix this: goodness, I have no idea. I often feel the same, so you can know that you are not alone.

Feel free to write more, as you feel comfortable sharing. This is important to examine, in a patient and self-loving way.

[manuel_moe_g]

What I have learned about sadness for what wasn't...

start with self-compassion

mourn the lack of what wasn't, it is a mourning process, you deserve a proper mourning process

rinse and repeat

please take care, keep the lines of communication open, all the best

[brownblob]

I can relate to this feeling. I missed out on a lot of life for my own reasons and do feel that sadness at times. I feel like I should grieve for myself at some point but haven't ever got around to that. I think there are too many wounds that could be opened in the grieving process that would just depress me.

[remarks]

Thanks for your responses - I really am not alone!

@manual_moe_g I think you are right. I just need to mourn this like I would the death of a family member. It was a death in some ways. A death of my youth, my innocence, and all those moments I'll never have.

[rivergirl]

You're definitely not alone, remarks.

I experience this sadness about what wasn't, although it's about a more recent time period in my life. It's still a major issue for me, so I don't feel qualified to give any advice.

I can only say that the times when I have found relief temporarily are when I use mindfulness practices that focus my attention back to the present, and when I allow myself to express grief for the loss. I got the idea of grieving for what wasn't from reading Manuel Moe's posts about this.

rivergirl