Titration Thoughts

[Beany Boo]

I’ve lost half an inch off my waist from eating salad for lunch for 2 months.

I’m letting other people make mistakes without getting (co-dependently) upset.

I’m leaving work early today specifically to avoid the inevitable end of week ‘dumping/venting’ chats (lectures) that happen on Friday afternoons.

I’m taking deliberate moves to ensure my domestic space is psychologically safe.

[manuel_moe_g]

This is great news, Beany! So proud of you!

[Beany Boo]

Thanks MM,

I’ve moved my focus from ‘FIX MY LIFE!!!’ to ‘improve my health’.

The task is smaller but the new outcome more or less covers both.

[RightInTwo]

… taking the automatic out of psychological responses, and controlling the dosage up or down, so that they better fit.

This seems to be similar to a thing that I consistently, almost always, do, but I think my version of it is probably much less healthy.

For example, when my boyfriend inevitably triggers a feeling of rage in me by giving me a snarky or impatient response to what I thought was a benign question or statement, I become overwhelmed with fear of confrontation. This fear has been with me all my life, so it’s not caused by anything that has happened during our relationship.

So I have, over my lifetime, become adept at my own way of handling my internal fear/rage reaction with immediate control. I almost never retaliate or respond in any way at the moment of conflict. I just let the fear and rage be there, and eventually, in time, according to the intensity, it dissipates.

Meanwhile, he (or whoever) has no idea that I was upset or hurt.

Only after enough time has passed, I can re-evaluate and sometimes, I conclude that my feelings were way out of proportion. If I think about it and the rage level is still high, I will wait until I can mentally replay the incident without much reaction.

Either way, it is highly unlikely that I will ever address it with him. Or whoever it was that triggered me. My reservoir of resentment is never empty.

So, yeah. Now that I explained it all, it doesn’t sound like a great way to improve things for myself lol.

Please forgive me for piggybacking onto your topic and sharing my own problem. Social interaction is something I struggle with and often fail to get right. Let me know if I should have done this differently. I won’t get my feelings hurt, I promise!

[manuel_moe_g]

Only after enough time has passed, I can re-evaluate and sometimes, I conclude that my feelings were way out of proportion. If I think about it and the rage level is still high, I will wait until I can mentally replay the incident without much reaction.

Either way, it is highly unlikely that I will ever address it with him. Or whoever it was that triggered me. My reservoir of resentment is never empty.

If your reservoir of resentment is never empty, this is a feeling that you have every right to, it doesn't matter if it is unfair (for some definition of unfair) to the other person involved. You should be able to communicate: "Hey, I have the uncomfortable feeling of resentment because of that thing you did. I am not judging you, I am just letting you know what is going on inside me with my feelings. Can we talk about this? - I would appreciate it very much." This is a mature action based on feelings that you have every right to have (in my opinion). You have every right to discuss this thoroughly in a safe space.

I have problems with resentment too, with my partner. I have the luxury of weekly therapy, so I use part of the therapy session to analyze the situation(s) (I am on the Asperger's spectrum, so another person is very helpful to analyze situations that bother me, that neurotypical people could easily correctly analyze on their own), so that my "reservoir of resentment" (a great and helpful phrase, RightInTwo!) goes down to zero. It is a key part of my mental health, weekly bringing my resentment down to zero.

I do this because my partner is many times unwilling to talk about feelings inside a safe space. I wish it was different, but that is my situation.

So I can talk a good game, but I am unable (or unwilling, I don't know) to use my own advice in my own situation. I want to be perfectly honest here, because that is what everyone here deserves.

I hope this helps, and if it doesn't help, at least I am trying to be honest so people will feel less alone if they are in a similar situation.

[Beany Boo]

The rage is a defense; sort of like an armadillo rolling up on itself.

It can be there ready to engage at all times.

It’s good to recognize that, when you’re not in immediate danger (emotionally). Then you can mentally stop hovering your hand over the ‘engage’ button.

That might have the effect of letting a few more emotional responses through when you find yourself in a situation; one requiring some defense.

By you, I mean me. This has been my experience.

[Beany Boo]

Also bear in mind, even positive emotional input from others can trigger your rage. Rage is a primitive defense against surprise attack. Positive emotional engagement is often a surprise. Unfortunately it can be difficult to walk the rage back once it’s in play.

The price of missing out on those good experiences though, can be enough to start developing ways to bypass or divert the rage response.

[RightInTwo]

You should be able to communicate: "Hey, I have the uncomfortable feeling of resentment because of that thing you did. I am not judging you, I am just letting you know what is going on inside me with my feelings. Can we talk about this? - I would appreciate it very much." This is a mature action based on feelings that you have every right to have (in my opinion). You have every right to discuss this thoroughly in a safe space.

Thanks for the input. We definitely have some similar struggles!

I honestly cannot fathom being able to do what you described - bring up a conflict that has passed. I have zero previous experience with success doing that (not sure I can even remember trying). It seems to me akin to barely surviving a bear attack, and then going back to hang out where the bear was.

The problem with me (my boyfriend too) is often a lapse in maturity. I just go around being terrified to bring anything up, and secretly blaming him for that too, since I remember previous conflicts and how many times I felt just, defeated after it was all said and done. I know it’s not fair to either of us, for me to withhold like this, but the truth is, my 3 year old self is in charge when it comes to conflict.

To be fair, I believe that he has done some work on his own, self reflection or whatever, because he occasionally - I’d even say often - takes the initiative to de-escalate an interaction that seems to be turning into a conflict. Sometimes I am able to as well, if I’m not immediately triggered into a reactionary state.

However, my inability to express myself goes to the core of my being. It’s almost like someone in my pre-cognitive stage of life threatened me at gunpoint to be silent or else. I became a person with no wants, no identity, and no reliable self defense skills.

[RightInTwo]

Also bear in mind, even positive emotional input from others can trigger your rage.

Thank you Beany Boo.

I’m intrigued & curious… I can’t imagine a scenario where a positive input would trigger rage, but it sounds legit… I have SO MUCH rage stored up, it’s possible that I could have experienced this but just can’t recall right now, since rage incidents generally are difficult for me to recall.

[Beany Boo]

Here’s some examples;

1. Someone starts to talk to you about you. It’s caring, but the level of intensity is over your comfortable limit and is therefore triggering. You then involuntarily experience rage as overwhelm and the inability to stay present. The rage feeling is a defense against the sudden intensity of someone else’s attention on you.

2. Someone touches you unexpectedly. It’s albeit affectionate but nonetheless a surprise. The objective surprise of it triggers your blueprint response of rage, before you have time to think about it. You might bat away the touch inexplicably or, acquiesce, but act out moments later in an unpredictable way; a way you wouldn’t when calmer. It’s the feeling of rage, working as a defense against the uncertainty of the situation.

I hope that helps to clarify. Again by you, I mean me.