Hello, I’m Izu. Thank you for taking the time to click this and reading it.

[izu-chan]

M

Hi! My name is Izu (Pronounced eE-zoo). This is a fake name I use online. I’m 21, and my pronouns are preferably they/them, but I use she/her as well. I identify as a no label lesbian. I struggle with Anxiety, Depression, PTSD, narcissistic abuse, OCD, and ADHD. There’s so many things that I would like to go over to explain myself to everyone, that way everyone had a better understanding of me. So, I will start from the very beginning.

I was born in June 2000, 2 days after my older sister’s birthday. At the time my parents were still in love. The first 6-7 years of my life were laid back, and normal. It was when I turned about 8 that my parents started fighting all the time. There was never a quiet day, and life was a living hell for both parents and all three kids. At the time I thought it was my father who caused all the trouble, my mother made it seem that way. Oh, how wrong I was. I didn’t have any trouble with depression until I turned 11, when the divorce was finalized and I started acting out. I wanted attention I guess? I don’t really know. I was bullied most of my grade school years and middle school, until I went to a different school because I failed sixth grade intentionally. I had eleven write ups in one year, never once got in trouble for it, and just didn’t care. The next year I started actually doing things, trying, making attempts to be productive. I got on the principals list and honor roll for three consecutive years. I still didn’t get attention. My father and I started getting into fights often back then too. I think I reminded him of my mother and I blamed him for their divorce because that what my mother had told me. I found out in my senior year of high school that it was actually my mother’s fault for the divorce, and that she put my dad into debt and wasn’t going to help pay back anything, among other things. I’ve disliked her since.

My brother and I would go back and forth between my mother and fathers houses weekly. My mother moved around for three years, and finally she settled down in a home. My mother was unable to pay bills often and my father still loved her so he helped her. She spent a good portion of her money on cigarettes. I hate drugs for a numerous amount of reasons, but this was one of them. When I started going to high school was when I started having trouble with anxiety and the depression hit like a sack of bricks again. I changed from 6 different prescriptions in a year(3 anxiety meds and 3 depression meds). My life really started getting bad recently, started in 2019.

I graduated high school in May of 2019, and in September I got into my first car wreck, my fault. One month later, I got into a second one, my fault as well(this one was ruled my fault because I hydroplaned. I wasn’t able to stop the car in time. I had no control and that was scary) I now have PTSD over driving, it scares me and sometimes I can’t even drive without dissociating. There are nights when I wake up and smell airbags, and days where I’m lost in thought and then I’m right back where I was moments before the wreck. I get so many flashbacks that I can’t physically function.

I’m finally driving again, and have been driving for a year with no incidents. Now this doesn’t mean there aren’t close calls, but none of these close calls are my fault. I’m always so on edge I’m extremely careful, and I didn’t realize how many crazy drivers existed. For example, I was doing 72 in a 70, and someone flew past me on the right. They were going so fast, had to of been going 85. Here’s where it’s a problem. I was in the right lane. They flew past me on the shoulder, which is illegal, and if there had been a car on the shoulder they would’ve caused a huge wreck that would’ve killed me and multiple others. I never knew how many people drove without a single fuck. I’m as safe as possible when I drive. But people do stupid shit. That’s scary. I’m afraid to leave my house often, and then I get almost no sympathy from my family. They don’t think it’s trauma, they think I’m just letting on for attention. They don’t call any of my trauma, trauma. (Minus my father because he recognizes my mental issues and sympathizes with me)

I recently took a job as a dog groomer, which keep in mind is not an easy job. I was learning how to groom dogs on my own essentially, through a computer course. I nicked a few dogs, and one I cut pretty badly. It wasn’t ever intentional and I would go home and cry about it all the time. I’m doing much better now, but my coworkers and manager probably don’t trust me at all. And I’ve been told I’m on my last chance with the job often(something I’ve already known) I don’t really think they understand how much a environment can affect me, when it’s stressful I end up slowing down and panicking. But when it’s laid back I’m quick, efficient and relaxed.

I recently got diagnosed with high blood pressure. After the diagnosis, I came to the conclusion that my anxiety and stress was literally killing me, and that I needed a therapist. Podcasts like this one and this one made me seek out a therapist. Normally I would’ve blown it off.

Some of my darkest thoughts are that I’d be better off gone. I haven’t told my partner about that yet because we are an LDR, and she’s extremely busy and constantly working. My best friends know though, and I’ll let the therapist know next time I see her.

I’ve been using spiritual items and calming scents to help me cope better. I find that it’s working rather well. It’s always nice to see improvements, and my doctors bumping up the medications helped as well.

I mentioned that I was in a LDR. The woman I’m with is 25. We’re four years apart. I’ve always had severe mommy issues just due to having a shitty relationship with my mother, and getting no nurturing love whatsoever from her. It took me a long time to come to terms with those issues, but now that I recognize them, I know that it’s my brains way of trying to cope and work through everything. My girlfriend asked me to marry her a year ago. We are engaged, though neither have a ring and it is a LDR. I call her my girlfriend and my fiancé. She’s a very loving person, and luckily for me extremely nurturing. I had decided to introduce her to the softer side of the BDSM community and she loved it, so now I get to get that kind of love from her that I never got. That my childhood self was robbed of. It’s a very nice thing to have, and I’m thankful that the woman I love loves me for me, scars and all.

My mother is a narcissistic abuser, and sometimes it would get physical too. I don’t agree with disciplinary actions being physical. There’s no reason to hit a child. I got my ass torn up whenever I was on a “bad” color at school. My mother once broke a 3 inch thick wooden spoon on my thigh because my little brother and I were arguing. (I had a welt and bruise for months.) She always favors him, and ironically he’s a narcissist too. In a couple years, I’ll be moving to a northern state with my best friend. We’re sick of this shitty state we live in. They also have a shitty upbringing. Their parent was a physical abuser and popped pills and alcohol all the time(to give you an idea). My mother always smokes cigarettes. The sad thing? Prior to her smoking, I was treated terribly. When she tried to quit, I was treated terribly. But now that she’s making again? I’m treated with respect. I’m at the point where I am praying she doesn’t quit again. Whenever she does my life is a living hell. Once I move out of this state I want to go low contact with my mother.

My father and I are decently close. Whilst he was a verbal abuser to me when I was younger, I was also verbally abusive to him. One of us would instigate and the other would yell back. Most of the time he would instigate it, and I always yelled back because I hated being treated shitty. Now my father and I have come to terms with our past and have a great relationship. He’s the only family member that sympathizes with me over the car wreck. I’m thankful for that. He cares. Now that I’m older, and he and I have a great relationship, I came out to him, and he still loves me. He treats me normally, and that’s a blessing too.

This is pretty much my story. I may add more into this thread about me as time goes on, but I covered the majority that I wanted to cover. Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this. I finally feel like I have a huge weight off my chcest

[snoringdog]

Hello Izu,

Just saw your post, and read all of it. Glad it helped you to put it all down.

You seem to understand yourself pretty well, are coming to terms with a lot of the turmoil in your past, and have positive plans for yourself.

That's great!

About driving - people have always been careless and crazy, but since Covid, much more so. Many drivers seem so anxious and distracted.

I've never had an accident, but find myself sometimes being super vigilant, almost excessively so. Almost expecting someone to jump out between cars, or to blindside me.

It's a kind of anxiety on my part that I need to be aware of and let pass. People *are* erratic & crazy, but for the most part, not that bad. Sometimes I'll give myself a little pep talk, or verbal reminder to relax. (We did this consciously when driving in Europe in the past, where everything is opposite to what we're accustomed to )

It must be so much worse for you, having had a couple of actual collisions. (PTSD is real, and it doesn't take a violent incident to bring it on).

So.... as usual for me, not sure how to wrap things up, but welcome aboard!

SD

[manuel_moe_g]

This is pretty much my story. I may add more into this thread about me as time goes on, but I covered the majority that I wanted to cover. Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this. I finally feel like I have a huge weight off my chest

Welcome to our little forum, Izu!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At the top of the page, you can click the "Quick links" menu, select "Active topics" to stay up to date with the forum activity.

At the bottom of the page, under the "Wrench"-menu/Topic-tools-menu, you can "Subscribe topic" to never miss a post to the topics you are most interested in.

URL links are currently turned off because of anti-spam, but feel free to paste a URL, the users here can copy and paste into the browser address bar.