I love the holidays, but I know not everyone does

[RightInTwo]

First off, please accept my apologies for temporarily ghosting this place. I started programming again, yay! I’m doing much better with balancing my time (not spending 12 solid hour chunks of time glued to the computer), but between that, working out, and housekeeping chores, I just don’t spend much time online anymore.

I’m also doing better with walking away from the computer when I become “stuck” on a problem, instead of losing the rest of the day fruitlessly googling for an answer to a problem that is (apparently) way too specific. And then letting that frustration evolve into despair and self loathing. The thoughts are still there, but now I just shut off the computer and do something else until they go away, which counts as a victory imo.

I’m leaving in a few days to spend a couple of weeks with my mom & family. One of mom’s cats died last week, (he was very old) which is significant because he had belonged to her sister who died a number of years ago. This aunt of mine raised me for a year or so when my mom was going through her divorce with my biological father, and even though I was only 3 - 4 years old, I always felt a special bond with her, and by extension, the kitty that she left behind. His name was Rascal .

Then, right after Thanksgiving, my cousin Bobby died. Bobby was around 70, but he always had the mind of a 3 year old. He was deeply loved by the entire family, and always attended family events, cheerful and helpful. He will be missed.

So, my visit this time will be bittersweet.


I know the holidays can be difficult, especially, potentially, for people here in this support group. I hope you all find some joy, or peace, or even relief, if not all of the above.

Love to you all.

[manuel_moe_g]

A post from RightInTwo, pretty cool!

Thanks for the holiday well-wishes!

[oak]

RIT, I hope you have a lovely holiday season! Please do keep us posted.

And well done for letting the code go for the day. We can easily spiral into mental loops. But when the darn thing finally works: transcendent!

Your aunt sounds like a good person. If heaven exists, I hope she, Rascal, and Bobby are very happy. I hope Rascal has many fish to eat and infinite bowls of cream to enjoy.

And many thanks for your thoughtfulness for those of us who endure crappy ass Christmases.

Of course, the conditions that make 2021 Christmas sad and lonely are subject to change, and 2022 Christmas may be very happy indeed. But in the meantime, I appreciate your awareness that this is a difficult time of year for so many. So, with the authority of grief, I wholly encourage you to enjoy your Christmas as much as you can!

As always, memes say it best:

https://knowyourmeme.com/memes/thumbs-up-crying-cat

[RightInTwo]

Love that kitty!

Well I hope everyone made it through.

I’m currently at my mom’s, been here since the 18th, going back on Jan 5th.

It’s been a pretty nice visit. I was initially thinking that I didn’t have enough time for a good visit, but I’m already almost ready to go home.

I am struggling right now, in spite of being surrounded by people who love me, and I love them, because I think I acted really dumb at my cousin’s house on the day after xmas.

My cousin is 9 years older than me, has 2 daughters, a stepdaughter, and lots of grandkids. Her small, cute house was full.

I have always felt a special connection with her, and also one of her daughters, we seem to have a lot in common. But ever since I was over there, I have had this sickening feeling that I must have acted weird again. My lack of social skills & awareness has struck again.

They were all talking at the dinner table about their plans for the coming days of their visit. I did not notice until afterwards, that nobody ever explicitly invited me to join them, and as the days have passed, nobody reached out to me or my mom to let us know any details or to see if we were joining them. So, I guess we were actually /not/ invited.

I don’t know what to do with this. It hurts. More than I want to admit, even to myself.

I texted her today, and apologized for the fact that we (my mom and I) left rather soon after dinner, and explained that mom was a little overwhelmed with all the noise because her hearing is bad. She responded politely, and told me their plans, but still did not invite.

::sigh::

I guess I was too much, yet again. I just don’t know how to connect with normal people, even family.

I did have a wonderful time with an old friend yesterday, though, so at least I haven’t alienated her!

It’s almost 1pm. Is it too early for vodka?

[Beany Boo]

Unless it feeds their sense of purpose, a lot of people are inclined to offer experiences a few times only. Unless the offer to host an experience is reciprocated and turn-taking ensues, they tend to relent and stop offering. It’s possibly not even conscious or deliberate, just human nature. Even if you were to offer some momentary occasion (no matter how small or terrible), the genuine gesture might be enough to signal to her that you’re interested. Even if she can’t accept, a bond is reestablished.

[oak]

RIT, thank you for sharing. I’m glad your holidays are going well.

I’d write more, but I’m not feeling well from the omicron.

Hang in there! Keep us posted

[RightInTwo]

Unless it feeds their sense of purpose, a lot of people are inclined to offer experiences a few times only. Unless the offer to host an experience is reciprocated and turn-taking ensues, they tend to relent and stop offering. It’s possibly not even conscious or deliberate, just human nature. Even if you were to offer some momentary occasion (no matter how small or terrible), the genuine gesture might be enough to signal to her that you’re interested. Even if she can’t accept, a bond is reestablished.

There’s a lot of underlying detail that I skipped over in the spirit of summarizing, but the general context is this: We (me & cousin’s daughter) both live out of town, and had previously agreed to communicate with each other regarding upcoming visits, so we have a better chance to visit each other in addition to our parents.

I guess I felt like we had established a close relationship, kind of like what I have with my aunt, my mom’s older sister, who I am very close with.

It’s just scary, having never had siblings, and no kids, I feel like it’s almost certain that when I get old, there won’t be anyone in my family that will make sure I am included in things. If god forbid, anything happened to my boyfriend, I will almost certainly be completely alone in my old age.

Add to that, my weird social anxiety behavior constantly ruining every new connection that I try to make. I am doomed.

[RightInTwo]

RIT, thank you for sharing. I’m glad your holidays are going well.

I’d write more, but I’m not feeling well from the omicron.

Hang in there! Keep us posted

So sorry you got the ‘vid!!! I hope you are fully recovered by now. I hope it wasn’t too severe.

[Beany Boo]

I don’t feel comfortable offering too much more.

There’s your boyfriend and now your cousin failing to meet a need you understood to be clear. And what you term your social anxiety being so powerful that you cannot check in with them about it; indeed so powerful that you’d accept a doomed fate rather than tangle with it. And then there’s the horrible incident you described which would leave anyone with a lasting trauma response although it sounds like only the tip of the iceberg. And your snap responses of spiky anger when your boyfriend presumes to talk about you, to you, when you’re working out.

There’s a lot there. It’s a lot. I’m not surprised you’re struggling with it. I’m glad you can talk about it though.

[rivergirl]

Hello RIT,

Thank you for the update on how you're doing.

I understand that fear of ending up alone because of a lack of close family members. I wish I had more to offer in the way of encouragement. Just wanted you to know I see your pain and I relate.

Hugs,

rg