disappointed with my past self, mind dump

[manuel_moe_g]

There was a time when I thought highly of myself, I though that I was (1) rational, (2) easy-going, and (3) a good person.

Now I can see that I was very much (1) irrational and (2) high-strung and (3) often times a very bad person.

It is embarrassing to be so wrong about myself. Oh well.

The only good thing is that (A) this new knowledge keeps me human and humble and compassionate, (B) I have improved, and I can communicate how exactly I did it.

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Reading a book "Chatter" by Ethan Kross https://www.amazon.com/Chatter-Voice-Head-Matters-Harness-ebook/dp/B087PL8YVQ

The book is about the voice in our head. The negative, compulsive voice is called "chatter" and it is very dangerous.

It says that the voice in our head is so important, and it is very important to try to control that voice in your head.

I am trying to have a compassionate, cheerleading voice in my head, and not to beat myself up when I fall short in controlling in the voice in my head.

I will report more as I get further into the book

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I am getting fatter. I am not controlling what I eat and I am not exercising enough

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Getting right with failure is so important. I have to be OK with being a failure, and failing on things very important to me.

( Whoops, made a mistake. Failing on something does not make me a failure. No matter what I fail on, I will not suddenly become the human personification of failure. Good that I caught this mistake! )

I <will> fail on things important to me. That is OK. It is part of being human. Be gentle with yourself, Manny Moe.

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I am so happy with how great you guys are with each other. It makes my heart sing when I see you guys supporting each other. It is so wonderful. You guys are so great.

[oak]

Now I can see that I was very much (1) irrational and (2) high-strung and (3) often times a very bad person.

Regarding being high-strung, due to trauma you, like many of us, have excellent reason to be high-strung. As they say, anxiety is a gift.

I will report more as I get further into the book

Please do! Also, I put a hold on it through the excellent Libby app. Thank you for the recommendation.

( Whoops, made a mistake. Failing on something does not make me a failure. No matter what I fail on, I will not suddenly become the human personification of failure. Good that I caught this mistake! )

Well said. You are learning and observing, in real time.

I am so happy with how great you guys are with each other. It makes my heart sing when I see you guys supporting each other. It is so wonderful. You guys are so great.

Word.

Also, we couldn't do it without you. Not only your important contributions as one who posts, but also your important mod work.

[manuel_moe_g]

More mind dump…

I really don’t feel I have any intrinsic self-worth

[manuel_moe_g]

Got a yell for not using CPAP for enough hours each night

It is just I wake up in middle of night and it feels like can’t breathe with machine

[oak]

Hmmmm.

Do you have any idea what is happening, Manuel Moe? Is it the mask?

Do you have resources you can reach out to?

[Mental Fairy]

Hi my beautiful people

Manuel Moe, my dear friend you are so very human.
Your observations on yourself is evidence you are aware. You are making self improvement just by noticing these things. Many don’t.

Your patterns of thought make me wonder if it’s due to your sleep not being fully beneficial currently. We can’t function well or reset without this as you will well know. I agree with Oak, is there something that can help you.
May I suggest looking it at from a positive point of view? Your oxygen is key for your body to thrive, heal, process and make progress. If your body is deprived then the dominoes fall.
Mindful practice before bed? Meditation? Restful hypnosis? CPAP is hard to adjust too and I come from a benign understanding as I’ve never worn one but the key if for your mind to adjust. Once the mind adjust the body will follow.

You allowed to have moments of letting off steam.
When you do just stop and ask yourself why? Am I tired? Have I eaten the right food or am I taking my own self anger out on others?

Food for thought my friend. Keep us informed.

[manuel_moe_g]

I am working with my therapist on being more gentle and kind with my inner selves, especially (1) the inner self that is defiant and oppositional to my rational plans, and (2) the inner self that is about coping & managing-my-moods with smartphone scrolling. I am at the stage where I am asking those inner selves for forgiveness for bullying them in the past, and where I am trying to treat those inner selves with love & compassion (this love & compassion comes naturally for me when I am helping my daughter, but for some reason when dealing with myself I copy my parents' mean way of talking to myself)

my parents' way to talking to young me was all about "your feelings don't matter, toughen up"

i want my inner-selves to know they have intrinsic worth, not just worth when they follow the rules. Ooof, this is a hard one for me, a lot of times. Sometimes I know my inner intrinsic worth, but a lot of times I just can't

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made an agreement with my therapist to watch "Stand By Me" this week and try to talk to my inner-selves the same way the older brother Denny (John Cusack) speaks to younger brother Gordie (Wil Wheaton)

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my therapist wants me to: this week going to do "mirror work", will speak into a mirror, apologizing for me being mean & bullying to (1) the inner self that is defiant and oppositional to my rational plans, and (2) the inner self that is about coping & managing-my-moods with smartphone scrolling, and also expression how sorry I am for them for how my parents treated them.

the whole idea is that my therapist wants me to notice (A) myvoice & (B) my eyes and expression when I am talking to my inner-selves

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what do you guys think?

[oak]

That sounds good. Go for it!

I really don’t feel I have any intrinsic self-worth

I saw this on Reddit just now, and thought of you, Manuel Moe:

https://www.reddit.com/r/wholesomememes/comments/wkuidp/good_friends_encourage_each_other/

[manuel_moe_g]

Thank you, Oak. I really appreciate it.

I am feeling funny lately. My self-worth feels very conditional right now.

[rivergirl]

Thank you for sharing, MM. I've been following your posts and am wishing you all the best in finding compassion for all the versions of your past and present selves.