Mind Body and Trauma

[Mental Fairy]

Hi SD

Yes, climbed the mountain at least once a month for many years. I was guiding up there as a side job many years ago. I miss the climbing part in winter. I am by no means a summer person.

I’m struggling with sleep. The belt in the dream about my father means nothing to me. No idea about what it means.
However last night or early morning this morning I was awoken with a shock as I dreamt my own death. I felt the falling of the car I was in with two other occupants whom I know. We went off the road at the top of a place we call Mount Messenger. It’s about 40min from here north.

I was in the back seat of the car, I could see I was wearing blue jeans, black top. The person beside me was in her black pants red top. Driver was in white shirt and brown shorts.

I noticed a car coming and our vehicle was going to fast. The car took a bend and we were fine. I noted the person driving was still too fast for the next bend. The right went to the right skidding off a very very steep drop. I felt in myself the fear, no turning back, no control, then this gravity pulling on me, my head hit the roof and in a moment I thought of my son, joe the cat and do I hold the persons hand beside me. I couldn’t, I tried keeping my hands at my side. I was awaiting death, here it was. No return, no chance of just injury but the actual real thing. In my dream I asked myself if I wanted to wake up or live the last moments. I woke up and had a full blown panic, my adrenaline was reaching my heart monitor I wear was through the roof. I got up and went outside. It was 5am. I sat there gulping air, Joe rushed out and asked me to say I what was happening as he said I was flailing around the bed like I was falling. Gripping sheets and no noice was coming out, I wasn’t talking, no sound just moving like I was a rag doll.

I went for a run to try process the morning and felt exhausted. I text the person whom was in the car with me in the dream. She was shocked. The detail of the dream was so real. My monitor for sleep showed 11 minutes of consistent movement.

I feel exhausted and still feel heavy in the chest like a weight on me. I can see the fabric of the seats when I close my eyes. I can feel the fall.

[oak]

Oops! Double post lol. Please see below.

[oak]

Thank you for sharing, Mental Fairy.

That is a very scary dream.

Did you have a panic attack?

If so, have you learned any methods to prevent them, or if they do happen, to mitigate them?

Edit to add:

Though this has nothing to do with the above, I wanted to mention that I’ve been reading at night to reduce screens before bed.

I’m rereading “Into Thin Air”, and I forgot how many NZ climbers there are.

Rob Hall sounded like a character. One of a kind. I wish I could have gotten to know him.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi oak

Andy Harris was a family friend. I knew his parents well.

Panic attacks I do have with dreams. I use breathing techniques I use with running and meditation.I have structured my pre sleep routine down to a tee. I’ve very structured and predictable with it as Joe would say. I’m also like that with food due to bowel.

Into thin air I recall reading in a beanbag on a long weekend. Matt was four years old maybe three. I was thinking back to conversations I had with Andy years ago and my old climbing partner Grant. I broke down in tears reading that book as it was only partly true. There is a lot missed out.

We had a labour weekend rescue on our mountain many years ago and we were able to talk to one survivor on the phone but we couldn’t get to her. She was with her deceased partner in a makeshift shelter she tried to make, we were only feet away from her and she died while we talked to her. The wind was too high. Not a subject many of us want to talk about so please read below.

Took a lot of getting over that. Climbing with my partner after that was hard. He would stop and keep crying. He’s now an alcoholic.

[Mental Fairy]

https://interactives.stuff.co.nz/2017/10/too-high-too-late-two-dead/

[Mental Fairy]

SD

Remember that photo I sent is the Paratutu Rock in the background of our home.

Read below! This will give you an idea of what we live and love beside

https://i.stuff.co.nz/taranaki-daily-news/editors-picks/9015285/Paritutu-I-knew-there-was-trouble

[oak]

1. I am sorry for the loss of your friend, Mental Fairy.

A third of the way through rereading, I’ll keep an eye out for mentions of him.

2. I must say: you have lived about six lifetimes, Mental Fairy! You contain multitudes.

First Melanie Lynskey and now Andy Harris: someday I’ll find a “kiwi” (is that term offensive nowadays?) that you don’t know.

3. Thank you for the links to both mountaineering articles.

4. Next time you’re in America, please check out some of our mountains. I’ve seen both the Wasatch in Utah and Appalachians in West Virginia, and either would be well worth a visit. They’re magnificent.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Oak
I would love to do the walks in National parks over there. Our community here was small back in the day. Everyone knows everyone. Extremely small country. Look up Mark Ingles. He is also an incredible kiwi climber with no legs. He was my idol. Kind of still is.

Calling is kiwis is very acceptable. Do love the kiwi bird!

I like to pack as much as possible into my life!

[rivergirl]

Hi Mental Fairy,

I've been reading through the past week or so of posts on your thread, and I keep rechecking the dates, thinking they must stretch over a longer period of time. I think you live what would be a lifetime for some people in a month, or even a week. I apologize if my thoughts below aren't very well-organized. I seem to be suffering from a bit of Oak's brain fog today.

I identify with much of what you wrote, although I haven't had some of the same experiences. The fear of abandonment, of bad news, of failing someone, of losing yet one more person (or animal) is never far away unless I'm engrossed enough in an activity or interaction to be temporarily distracted.

I'm sorry about your frequent scary dreams and sleepwalking. It all sounds exhausting.

You may have already addressed this, or it may not apply, but I'm wondering if you've ever tried any treatment specifically for PTSD? It sounds as though hypnosis at least partially helped with some of the symptoms. I wonder if there are any new treatments that might be beneficial. You may have already looked into this and maybe it isn't feasible for some reason. Just a thought.

Your little immediate family seems so loving, and I'm glad you have them, and they have you. I know it's hard to feel l loved and secure at times when past loss and trauma weighs so heavily on you, and I'm only looking in from the outside, but I feel the love in so many of your posts about them. It sounds like they care deeply about you, even if they often can't understand what you're going through or the best way to help in the moment.

I was thinking about the proposed dream spreadsheet, and just remembered that I actually had a dream about doing that a few years ago! I was had been keeping a dream journal at the recommendation of my therapist, and was creating Excel spreadsheets for a work project, and one night I dreamed that i was making a spreadsheet of my dreams. It seems worth a try!

I'm joining the rest of this little group in affirming that you have my support as long as you need it, for what that's worth. And I'm wishing you at least one sweet dream this week.

rg

[Mental Fairy]

Hello RG.

Sooo good to hear from you. Thank you for your thoughts. Thinking about the past treatments I’ve had I have not really tried anything other than hypnosis and talk therapy. I think I became a little hesitant as I’m afraid of it in a way.

This morning at work (only doing mornings) I spent a good hour talking people through their own traumas with their medical situations and we are not just talking period pains and headaches! We are taking sudden death of a loved one whom was due for surgery with us next week when we start back full time. A lady whom has lost pregnancy at 24+ weeks due to baby having heart failure. she had to have scan last Friday and found a large tumour so breaking that news was hard. Making sure her and her family/husband have support and mental health care.

I guess I look at it this way; I chose to step away from dentistry a couple of years ago, and pursue a career in medical dealing with complex cases, life and death decisions dealing with results that could change people’s lives. I feel a sort of obligation to be there for these people, regardless of how I am feeling on the inside and presenting on the outside. I studied years to get here. These patients are deserving of good quality care. They deserve answers to why they’re feeling the way they do. They deserve guidance on how to improve healthy, feeling or maintain healthy feeling and they deserve the ability to have access to good quality humane, caring medical staff. That I’m turn takes a toll on us, hence why we have been doing half days.

I can’t imagine not being in my role, where would I get the adrenaline from when we crack a medical case. When we head down new paths of diagnosis to help a suffering person. I am considering on doing my embalming license also. More so because I’ve done it before and when I step down or fall down from my role I think I would be better use where I don’t have people talk back to me!

Sometimes a patient just needs to be listened to. We are their sounding board at times, we confirm they are not going mad, but simply have a bad bad with symptoms.

My dreams I am now taking notes on and recording the data. I’m sure it will in some way form a pattern that will link with the emotions of the days or weeks that I experience them.

RG, I am so understanding of your situation of juggling many balls, your mother is so lucky to have you. I am so glad you have stopped by.

Onwards and upwards my friends.