Mindfulness

[Beany Boo]

I had some minor conflicts at work this week. Without exception they had nothing to do with me personally. Each other person was clearly stressed out of their mind from their workload/life.

Several things worked:

1. I would say to myself, ‘this is now a conflict’, and recognize a mode-change had occurred requiring different responses and objectives than normal

2. My aim became not to attack or defend but just be gentle with them and with myself, guiding us through while not avoiding the necessary struggle

3. I managed to avoid making myself invisible - the trauma response. Instead, I sighed and shook my head and let my voice change

4. I managed to avoid being dragged into a position of having to parent other adults and in that way, retained a sense of dignity

5. I hit eject at the time that suited me - instead of feeling forced into a terminal situation

6. I didn’t feel a need to relentlessly explain the other person to death; my mothers conflict avoidance tactic

I did parts of some conflicts by email. But I used that tactic of writing the completely unfiltered version then slowly bringing it to an assertive position, and only hitting ‘send’ several hours or days later. That is a very therapeutic response and I felt good at the end of the day whenever I did it. Someone even praised me for a group email I sent. Another email became a really useful report.

I also recognize that I’m not the source of all the problems arising. That means I should no longer try to solve them by myself. It is important to involve others. For no reason, that may regularly put me in conflict. But conflicts indicate highly valuable points and while painful sometimes, can be very rewarding.

[Beany Boo]

I had another flash conflict last night where the other person, who has authority (though not power) over me, made what felt like a direct attack on me.

Reading back on my last post I noticed the same points applied to this situation.

I don’t really understand what happened. I just know that if I can tolerate the uncertainty, then I don’t need to be drawn to a particular conclusion or try to be anything I’m not.

I think maybe if anything I was trying too hard to be kind to this individual and, in the circumstances, it was unbearable for them.

And maybe that’s a theme dotted throughout my life.

As I said, I don’t need to do or decide anything about anything. Something is happening and I am just a person present in its midst.

[manuel_moe_g]

“As I said, I don’t need to do or decide anything about anything. Something is happening and I am just a person present in its midst.”

This is some rad non-reactivity, Beany

I am so glad you are sharing your journey with us

I feel honored

[Beany Boo]

Thanks MM

[oak]

Agreed with Manuel Moe.

You’ve come a long way, Beany Boo. You should be proud.

[snoringdog]

Oak & Manny beat me to it!

Your last two posts were an excellent and edifying read, Beanie.

Great in-the-moment analysis and response. You've got some good insights.

[Beany Boo]

Thanks Oak and SD

[Beany Boo]

I had 2 more fights today. And a negotiation.

I think maybe these are things that occur anyway whether I engage or not. Sometimes they just happen inside me. Sometimes they engage other people.

If I let go of anger and fear early, the ‘life or death’ drains out of the struggle.

Then it’s simply a struggle to listen and be specific.

About boundaries.

[Beany Boo]

A small blip of a fight this morning. It is possible my new assertiveness and my demonstrating the capacity to fight fair has backed others down. No doubt there’s more to come.

In the mental space opened up I did a ‘to do’ list. Not just any ‘to do’ list though. I felt a little like Neo in the Matrix seeing the world in 1’s and O’s. Like when writers talk about breaking a story. I leveled up on ‘to do’ listing.

[Beany Boo]

Two strange unexpected things happened today.

1. I was doing a regular meditation. I felt myself let go. I sort of let go completely; of what, I’m not sure. Until it happened I hadn’t been aware that there was a completely to let go of.

2. Another very small fight. Afterwards, I spent some time trying to either be right about or indifferent to whatever had happened. Then I thought 2 new thoughts. The fight is over, don’t stay. And, there’s no hurry to have an answer to it, let new questions form.

I don’t know what I’m saying.