Troebia's Diary

[troebia]

Snapshot from the past:

Tiny windows of opportunity appeared to abandon everything and start afresh in a craft center far away long ago, but I chose to stay, mainly because of my daughter who was 8 at the time. Who knows what would have happened had I made the move. Since childhood my weakness has always been that I latch on to people and not just do my thing. Something about lacking an internal compass, a decent father figure, something. The pain and embarrassment of this weakness soon made me cautious and suspicious.

[Mental Fairy]

Very moving and beautifully written post my friend.

[troebia]

Sleepless thoughts:

What is reality, does it really exist? Before I go on, I reassure you I'm not about to torture cute little bunnies or make the case for doing stuff that is out of order in "this" world. All our realities are different and also similar. I drive through parts of the city I barely know. Endless apartment buildings and houses filled with people, so many people I'll never see or know. I feel completely unnecessary and anonymous. Stopping at a bar, different people and also just the same. I dissolve among the others. A woman that looks twenty years older than her age barges in and tries to bum a cigarette, nobody smokes. "Good for you", she says and leaves pushing a pram with a kid that will somehow grow up just like everyone does and yet a little differently.

[Mental Fairy]

Hi Treobia

Your observation is interesting and very reflective.
It’s like an out of body experience/view of the world from the third eye.

Can I ask what your plans are over Christmas and new year?

[troebia]

Can I ask what your plans are over Christmas and new year?

1. Continue to ignore as much as humanly possible of the commercial jingle-jangle part of Xmas. It's actually fairly easy this year since decorations are extremely low key in shops and streets in Spain this year, and I haven't even heard xmas muzak anywhere. Maybe it's due to Covid hangover? Ongoing wars? Unusually warm weather? I've already bought the "secret santa" gift I've been assigned by my daughter. If someone wants to put up the blinking LED strips at home, I won't help them. Candles are fine, I love candles.
2. Bake cookies with some friends' children.
3. Escape to my workshop to paint pottery for a while, daily.
4. Prune the olive trees.
5. Hibernate with long siestas and early evenings.
   
   Adding:
6. Carve out more meaning to life in spite of the tinnitus and my fading hearing. I wasn't too much into music anyway.
7. Give myself a free pass to alcohol and Xanax during a few days, to take as needed... A sedated holiday from myself.
8. When things get Xtra rough, watch Insta channels like this one: https://www.instagram.com/voiceofflindersstation
9. At the very rare moment that the tinnitus gives me a break, just sit still and savour the silence.

[troebia]

End of year/something thoughts

What has struck me lately when I've been quite a lot among "younger" and "healthier" people as in those that have a full set of teeth and are hustling with jobs and worrying constantly about the rent etc, and are generally in the young family stage: I feel comparatively so brittle now that if (when?) something serious happens like a car accident, big health scare, house fire or structural damage, relationship troubles and such, I'll have a total mental breakdown and simply run up into the mountains and chew roots for survival. I depend way too much on my wife for support and she has endured some very rough months of my therapy and medication. I feel broken and as if trying to imitate someone who is more together. Therapy made it possible to go on living in spite of the tinnitus, but I still make strange noises when you shake me since there are lots of loose parts on the inside. Sorry if this sounds pessimistic but it's just how I feel right now, nordic noir.

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[oak]

Troebia, happy holidays and thank you for posting.

Everything you posted is very reasonable: tinnitus is a very serious matter. I'm glad you're hanging in there.

Keep us posted.

[troebia]

Happy holidays, Oak and everyone.

I'm watching a Finnish detective series and I swear I'm relieved to be forced to read the subtitles and not straining to hear what they're saying

[troebia]

Mood, as read in the British newspaper The Guardian:

When the former Albanian dictator Enver Hoxha delivered his New Year message back in 1967, he pulled the cord marked truth bomb. “This year will be harder than last year,” he declared. “It will, however, be easier than next year.”

[troebia]

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Walking today 10K with friends and family by the sea. At the opposite end of the Mediterranean, horrible atrocities are being committed and ignored. Again, in the company of younger people I have the feeling of having passed the baton, of now being superfluous. A young couple has bought a small property near the beach. So much enthusiasm, so many things to fix and my muscles ache thinking about it. I guess nobody suspects I'd just like to lie down somewhere and let the undergrowth swallow me. My wife remarks that I haven't spent time with the pottery the last few days. I watch some pottery videos and feel even more existential dread than before.