Mind Body and Trauma

[Mental Fairy]

The bandage was removed today to try see where I have feeling. Let’s just say, and I’m embarrassed to say it, I fainted.

I’m a bloody medical professional and I fainted!

More so because it doesn’t feel like my hand. I can’t feel it currently in one side of my palm and my thumb + index finger. Zero feeling.

Will be having rehab twice a week for three months. Not to do too much at home but also not to do too little!

There is a chance I would be able to apply pressure to palm again for a long time, there goes my downward facing dog! Think I’ll just stay in the sit facing dog instead!

Can’t believe I fainted!

[oak]

Mental Fairy, thank you for sharing.

Your injury is serious, so there is no shame in fainting: you had a very real human reaction to a difficult and visceral experience.

And yes, a downward dog is a difficult thing to be without for a few months: likewise a plank and cobra pose. They enrich our lives.

That said, I’m going to ask in a few months what adaptions you’ve found with yoga. Yoga is like water: always changing and adaptive.

[Mental Fairy]

Hey All

Slowly my hands mend. Left one is looking so much better, right one still in cast until tomorrow when surgeons take out stitches. High chance I will pass out yet again!

My tolerance level for my drunken uncle snapped yesterday. He came over unannounced, not ideal situation for me. I was down in the garden with Joe building a wall for the new deck and putting in a setting area. Joes uncle was also building things in the garden for seating. Uncle comes down the driveway, can of beer in hand. Swaying and mouthing off about the work we are doing. I ignored him at first and bit down on my tongue.
As we all casually head up the driveway listening to him criticising everything and being mr negative he pointed some a bunch of plants I have that he doesn’t like. He begins to slur his words and saying to rip them out. I snapped, I stood my ground and said that this is MY garden and not his, I like things he doesn’t.
I think he was too far gone to pick up what I said. I couldn’t be bothered with him and occupied myself with other jobs so I didn’t have to talk to him.

He’s recently got 2nd degree burns to his hand from cooking while drunk. He showed me at the same time as blaming the sausage makers and their products they use in ingredients. I could see his hand is not cared for by him, nor does he plan to get it dressed. I felt zero care, empathy or compassion for him. It makes me feel like the horrible person.

Every time he comes over he mentions things about his new found sister who we recently discovered. My Grampy had this affair and produced a child with a so called family friend. Uncle is trying to get me to meet her, be part of her life. There I not a single cell in my body that wants to be involved in this persons life. Nor do I want to hear about her and her likeness to my own mother.

Since finding out, it’s taking everything in me to not take my photos down of my grandfather and rip the one up in my wallet. I’m aware this is part of grieving but i honestly can’t even look at photos of Grampy. Even when I took Donya to the graves I felt absolutely nothing.

Life is so darn confusing

[Mental Fairy]

Hospital update

Appointment this morning yet again caught me off guard. Bandage came off and I went down like a lead balloon when the nurse took the stitches out. Turns out it is the brain going into a freeze like node and plays dead!
I think it’s because I can’t feel one half of my hand.

Yesterday I tried to grasp something and broke a cup, a plate and spilt so much stuff.

The frustration is building but I am very much taking myself out back for a good talking to at times to tell myself to pull my own head in and let it heal.

I have severed my radial nerve, currently up my shoulder area somewhere. The nerve feeds the thumb, index finger and middle finger. Bugger

So loads and loads of practice and therapy for hand and in a few months I might have some function. Already I feel like muscles coming back with twitching and zaps.

Mood wise, short temper, tired easily and trying to look for silver linings everywhere. I like to think this little accident maybe prevented a bigger one. Who knows! Just onwards and upwards. With the occasional bad days allowed. Tried holding a pen but not possible so now my writing is going to be worse than ever! Using left hand and getting better at it each day.

Still doing my 1200km-2000km challenge and walking daily, regardless of weather.
This morning I did a little jog! Naughty

I’m back at work today to prep for the weeks ahead. Taking it slow. Gia mode!

Better get a wiggle on and do some work.

Kiwi love to all.

[oak]

You demonstrated considerable courage: you had a good idea that you’d pass out, but you went anyway. To paraphrase Atticus Finch, it is real courage to know we’re going to face something difficult, and doing it any way.

I hope your recovery continues to go well. Keep us posted!

[snoringdog]

Appointment this morning yet again caught me off guard. Bandage came off and I went down like a lead balloon when the nurse took the stitches out. Turns out it is the brain going into a freeze like node and plays dead!
I think it’s because I can’t feel one half of my hand.

Hmm... that last part is probably it.
The cognitive dissonance between what you're seeing and (not) feeling...

Here's a cute critter we have here who also goes into freeze mode as an adaptive strategy..

opossum.JPG (13.31 KiB) Viewed 149403 times

The frustration is building but I am very much taking myself out back for a good talking to at times to tell myself to pull my own head in and let it heal.

Be sure to speak kindly to yourself (by name too) at least as many times as you chide yourself to "pull it together". I've been doing this myself and I can say that it works.

We had a basement flood a couple of weeks ago and it's been a slog to clean up and reorganize. (Glad I wasn't in a depressive state!). No real damage, thankfully, but lots of wet vacuuming, moving rugs, furniture and bookcases to dry out... Running fans and dehumidifiers etc. etc.

When I found myself getting angry and frustrated, I would talk to myself -
"It's a little puzzle, you can figure it out".
"Don't rush, that's stupid".
"Take your time, you're doing it!".
"Don't get angry with it, it's just an inanimate object following the laws of gravity/mechanics", etc."

Or even 'You don't need to do it all right now. Take a little break and come back. Things are basically under control."

I guess it's a form of self-soothing. It definitely helps.

Just onwards and upwards.

Yes.

With the occasional bad days allowed.

Of course!

Tried holding a pen but not possible so now my writing is going to be worse than ever! Using left hand and getting better at it each day.

Invoke that neuroplasticity! And keep us posted on your progress

[Mental Fairy]

Thank you team. I LOVE the possums. I want one!

It’s 6:39 am and I’m in bed. I’m exhausted. Went to work and spent time learning to type with left hand and pick up phone. Pens and pencils not an option. I need to look for those really really fat ones. My thumb wont come together around a thin one. Gosh that sounds terrible!

I got home tonight and immediately Joe said we had guests come with small children. I put my foot down and said no, not tonight. It’s his cousin that’s up with her kids from Wellington. I immediately thought of SD when his sister in law comes to visit each year. Joe got mad and I again said I’m exhausted, I’ve spent my day trying to write and type left handed. I can’t face anyone and their pity party comments.

I took some advice my SD and talked myself down from an outburst of tears and frustration. Joe got the keys and went to visit them where they are staying with grandpa.
Strangely enough I don’t feel guilty.
I had no energy left in my tank to fake smile and laugh. Especially when all I want to do is sleep and weep. Today I locked myself into the staff room and laid down on the floor and just did some solid breathing techniques to calm my nerves.

Oak, it is so darn good to see your name pop up. You mean a lot to us.

SD, did the washing machine blow up or pipe?

At

[snoringdog]

Hello Mental Fairy,

Social situations can be exhausting.
And you've suffered a systemic shock that's draining you of more energy that you're maybe consciously aware of... Like the way low-level pain does.

------------------------------------
Do you have basement sump pumps in NZ?

Some houses here do, and they're just a hole in the floor maybe two feet in diameter and 2~3 feet deep. If there's water in the basement for whatever reason, or if the water table rises, the hole fills up until the float switch rises enough to turn on the pump to empty the hole. (It drains up and out to the street).

Ours is about twenty years old, and I'd pulled it out some months ago to inspect and check the label for "proactive" replacement purposes.
Tested everything with a few buckets of water, no problem....

Recently we had very heavy rain for a day and overnight, and I thought nothing of it until I went to the basement in the morning and stepped in a puddle in the corner!

Checked the sump hole and it was overfilled like the sump had failed... Looked further and dammit! The float had risen but then SNAGGED on the side of the hole about an inch too low to trigger it.

Most sumps have smooth walls, either cement or an insert, like a bottomless plastic bucket sunk down below floor level. Our is just unfinished-clay-with-embedded stones and such.

Damn! Never had this problem in twenty years. (Power failures are the usual issue with sumps)
Guess I hadn't re-positioned the pump and float quite correctly and didn't fill it high enough or something....

Lesson learned. Will get a battery backup version, as insurance, and will install an insert, or get a pump with a different float design.

But the upshot of this is, no real damage. (It started to smell of mildew a bit on the third day, but fans and dehumidifiers and Lysol finally did the trick.)

Plus, I got to straighten things up, reorganize and toss a few unwanted items (I'm a bit of a packrat I must admit )

It's like I got a new room in the house.

----------------------------
P.S.

I LOVE the possums. I want one!

I think they only come as a set.

[manuel_moe_g]

Better get a wiggle on and do some work.

Kiwi love to all.

words to live by!

[Mental Fairy]

Hi SD, no basement sumps here that I know of. Rural homes run off tank water in remote parts and septic tanks but nothing in basement areas.

Has it all dried out yet?

I’ve been walking about 7-11km a day to keep moving and fitness levels balanced before I start the faster walks/jogs.

Today on my walk I came across a beautiful garden along a walkway know as the Huatoki.
Will attach some photos of my mindful walk adventures!