Troebia's Diary

[snoringdog]

Hello Troebia,

Love your landscape.
(It's so foreign to me to be able to pick up a brush and create something abstract and new out of thin air.)

I now have experience with this particular drug and can be constantly vigilant of the withdrawal symptoms.

Yes, please be careful. It's a strong psychotropic, as we saw from your previous posts.
If you tend to ruminate (as I do), please reach out for a "reality check" if you feel yourself going down any rabbit holes...

[Mental Fairy]

Yay! You made a good start to my day.

My niece brought her art books over yesterday. She showed me what’s she’s working on, mountain scene with lake and trees. She is using watercolour. Looks beautiful even though it’s not done yet.

[troebia]

Thank you all.

Some symptoms for the log, now 4 days in. Half life of vortioxetine in the body is considered to be around 60 hours, and I estimate to have about 40% of the daily 10mg dosage left:

• Feeling of coldness in the forehead.
• Strange memory flashbacks to completely random trivial events, maybe years ago and to which I don't have access "normally".
• Have woken up twice because I wasn't breathing enough, very disconcerting.
• No signs so far of the original depression creeping back.

[troebia]

My niece brought her art books over yesterday. She showed me what’s she’s working on, mountain scene with lake and trees. She is using watercolour. Looks beautiful even though it’s not done yet.

MF, may I suggest you watch this video https://youtu.be/UGlMQxvOZiU (or similar) together with your niece, ideally on a large screen. When a child sees important works of art, sometimes there's an immediate response and they will get inspired in a much deeper way than adults.

[Mental Fairy]

Thank you, will have a look at it with her this weekend. Much appreciated

[troebia]

Hmmm I realise now that the above video, while complete and informative is also veeery long and perhaps goes into too much "grown-up" detail. Here's a shorter one that skims faster through the history of watercolor:
https://youtu.be/Gm3KAcAdQXw

[troebia]

Small situation update

Today I got a severe tinnitus spike in my left ear, so bad that I was about to leave a room with people to (maybe) scream? cry? I went home to pour myself a stiff gin vermouth. My mind is still scattered and I'm unable to maintain focus on anything for more than fifteen seconds. I'm beginning to think that the vortioxetine helped to suppress my wonky hearing condition, just as it suppressed a wider range of emotions. Only 25-30% of the medication remains in my body right now.

I now know exactly how to describe what it's like to be on a therapeutic dose of vortioxetine:
Imagine being inside a tall building. You look out through the windows, but it's foggy and you can't make out what floor you're on. You call the lift and go inside. There are only buttons labelled 5-8. Intuitively you know that the ground floor is 0, and that there are very few buildings with more than 12 floors: you're somehow limited to a range in between.

[Mental Fairy]

Oh hun, that must be hard. I don’t know what to say.

[troebia]

The tinnitus has subsided to "normal" levels again and I've probably lost a tiny bit more of my hearing. Oh well.
Waking up to piercing brain zaps and some vertigo which were my first secondary effects on vortioxetine. This could mean it's finally almost out of my system!

I'm grateful and happy to have gotten the relaxation lessons in therapy since it's helped a lot. I'll imagine myself living a minimalist life alone somewhere in a tiny hut by a river with almost no possessions. No stuff or electronics, and nothing to fix. No performance anxiety and no to-do lists. Also perfectly aware that in the history of man, utopia has always been out of reach. Sickness and conflicts of interest are part of our history.

Yesterday I showed skill with cooking In a closed setting with strangers and instantly envy floated in the air. Imagine, someone feeling envious of me!

[snoringdog]

What did you make?!