Troebia's Diary

[troebia]

what are your recommendations, Troebia, for actually forcing yourself to draw? i draw fast, so only need a 25 minute session for each piece

MM, try to draw the outlines of something simple like a couple of pieces of fruit or maybe a mug. An apple or a banana can look like what they are in thousands of different ways, but not a car, a house, a dog or a face. Instead of drawing a tree, begin with a leaf. Zoom in, simplify. You'll enjoy it!

There are gazillions of drawing tutorials on YouTube. Start by just playing around without expectations. Get a cheap block or a stack of folios and make lines and shapes. This guy https://youtu.be/XAQ6K3DbEt4 has a good philosophy.

[snoringdog]

Hello Troebia,

Thanks for posting pictures of your toolkit.
(After seeing some of the Persian Miniatures at the Met, it was fascinating to see an actual preserved tool kit. It seemed almost too simple.)

Seeing a work of art, it easy to think that it somehow sprang forth finished. But knowing that some works have taken *years* to finish is awesome. The vision... the dedication... the struggle! And the layer upon layer of work, and the various techniques...

So, I imagine this set was built over time. Which was the first item. which the latest, and what was the progression?

Interesting way to approach drawing too, The few feeble attempts at drawing I've made have been with the too-detailed, which is discouraging.
Next time, I start with the fruit cup!

[troebia]

Which was the first item. which the latest, and what was the progression?

The first for me was a simple wooden pencil. The Pilot Croquis one in the photo is just a fancy upgrade since the lead screws out and it's very soft, to permit very light marks to almost black.
The latest one is probably the Chinese ink brush, it's very hard to manage but also very rewarding.

The few feeble attempts at drawing I've made have been with the too-detailed, which is discouraging.
Next time, I start with the fruit cup!

Yes, simplify, always simplify. A couple of weeks ago I had a spat on Facebook with the admins of a drawing challenge group, since I insisted that they should use simpler photos instead of complex wide views of entire castles or even whole cities. People participating will actually count the windows of tiny buildings and draw them in faithfully instead of just hinting at them with quick strokes.

[troebia]

Health update

This would be funny if it wasn't also a bit terrifying: Now, the sudden brain zaps I've been having maybe three or five times a day have been converted into tingly dizzy sensations. After having a few of them I was thinking, "I know this feeling" and just now I realised, it's exactly the same sensation I get very briefly before having an orgasm except it goes on for maybe a minute. It's like oh goodie, sadly without the pleasure afterwards They always say that the female orgasm is more prolonged so maybe it's what women feel before actually climaxing? Last time it really bothered me was yesterday in a crowded restaurant. Would I fall to the floor? Would I just slump over my pizza? A false stucco pillar provided me with support while I was tripping out.

[snoringdog]

Good Morning Troebia,

Sounds like some kind of neural overload or something.
Strong stuff you've been on, it appears....

I wish that meds could be more targeted and specific. They're such blunt instruments.
Wonder how this one came into being, the development pathway....

[troebia]

I can imagine those who aren't bothered by the side effects are actually happy taking it because it permits them to get on with life and work. The medication helps against depression, lowers anxiety and at the same time makes you energetic, but somehow it also alters your personality and reduces "lateral thinking". I had moments when I felt like a laser-focused robot and other ones of total carefree emptiness.

The development of drugs is usually "let's just try different sh*t and see what works" and the Wikipedia page for vortioxetine says that it's not clear why it works, it just does.

My mood is slowly sinking for each day now and my health and body image obsessions are returning. Feeling bad about oneself is exhausting and draining.

[snoringdog]

Hello Troebia,

but somehow it also alters your personality and reduces "lateral thinking". I had moments when I felt like a laser-focused robot and other ones of total carefree emptiness.

Both of those would be great in the right circumstance.
Too bad it seems to be all or nothing. Might there be a way to fine adjust the dosage?

The development of drugs is usually "let's just try different sh*t and see what works" and the Wikipedia page for vortioxetine says that it's not clear why it works, it just does.

Targets serotonin and receptors it appears, like a lot of others. If this one doesn't work, are there other options to try?

My mood is slowly sinking for each day now

For what it's worth, your art brings us pleasure....

Feeling bad about oneself is exhausting and draining.

Yes, it really sucks.

You're one of the good guys though.

[Mental Fairy]

Agreed with SD. There is still options to try.

Can I ask what is your thoughts about yourself that you have that bring you so down?

What are the things you like about yourself?

[troebia]

Adjusting the dosage?
I was trying a smaller dosage but then I didn't get any effect whatsoever. Despite feeling a bit lower now, I'm determined to clean this drug out of my system and recover my "self". I'm not considering other SSRIs at the moment.

What brings me down?
As I mentioned, I have several body image issues that are hard to overcome. My teeth are not visible when I smile and although I'm missing only three molars, I long for some kind of full dentures since the tooth enamel is severely deteriorated and almost every molar has dark fillings. When I tell the dentists I'd like to pull everything out they are shocked. But they can't even imagine what it's like, since having normal perfect white teeth is natural for them.

I also have a rather strange gait due to a malformation in my knees and my general body posture. It's not something that bothers me while walking, but it looks weird and people notice. Once I was in a big supermarket with my daughter who wasn't wearing her glasses. We lost each other and she suddenly came up to me from behind. She said that in spite of her blurry vision she had recognised me from afar by the way I walk. I both laughed and felt extremely sad at the same time. Again, most people don't have these problems with their posture and can't really relate.

Then there's the tinnitus, but I've had some moderate progress with learning to ignore it. It's still the first thing that greets me in the morning when I wake up and it's always present, but I accept it now. There's no other option.

What do I like about myself?
I'm quite handy and can do lots of things with my hands and my head. I'm creative and can fall into rabbit holes that take me far away into an imaginary world. The drawings I make sometimes express a tiny bit of this. I'm often frustrated that I don't have the courage here at home to go further in my art, into my darkest corners where there is unresolved trauma, sexual fantasies, aggression and death. Then I'll read or watch the news, and anything inside my head simply pales compared to the senseless violence in the very real world.

[troebia]

What brings me down (II)
Ever since mother-in-law lives with us permanently, intimacy has plummeted and our marriage and relationship is slowly crumbling. I keep trying to initiate something, do something funny, just snuggle up to my wife like in the "old days" but 95% of her brain seems to be taken over by this other person and whatever she has to do for her.
Even my daughter (who is spending some time with us while doing some project online) has noticed. She says her mum is like that because she went to Catholic school with nuns, lol.

I went to an old friend's house to help her and her new partner to put together some bookcases and wardrobes. Seeing them talk with each other and interact lovingly was almost painful.