Troebia's Diary

[troebia]

Yes, there's no perfect social network and there are different things to like and dislike about each of them. But if we're talking long-term resilience, stability and discoverability there are (sadly) probably few that can beat private Facebook groups, especially if you use an alias to avoid family and vanilla friends.

The more time I spend on Discord, the more I stumble on glitches and quirks in the system that people have been complaining about for years. And it probably won't ever become easier to discover good servers and channels.

Situation update

All very much the same, except I have severe tinnitus in my left ear since a few days ago without any sound triggering it. It's varying in intensity but seems my hearing is going to deteriorate faster now.

It's been relatively chilly and there have been very strong winds in the region so I haven't been able to spend much time outside or in the unheated workshop, which means more time within sight of MIL (mother-in-law). Yesterday evening we were all in the living room having a snack in front of the telly, and MIL let out a massive fart, just like that. Wife still is never actually "there" with me because her attention is constantly on MIL. When the weather improves I hope to be painting and sketching outside more and I won't be so bothered.

Situation update (II)
I had to rest in a sofa after spending the morning cleaning, light work but even so I became suddenly exhausted. Then after twenty minutes or so I tried to get up and couldn't because of vertigo. My vision was blurred and when I tried to fix my sight onto some object, it looked as if everything was duplicating into infinite wagons of a train zooming by. As I'm writing this the vertigo has passed.

[manuel_moe_g]

I’m just pleased to be here, having no social media at all this space is so incredibly important to me…..as is the people on it. You all mean something to me individually.

No matter where the "day-to-day" chat of this fine group of people goes (there are some arguments for moving to Discord), i will never abandon this little phpBB board

the ability to *always* be able to do the safe & humane & compassionate & effective thing with regards to take of <suicide> makes this little board always staying up so important, full stop. The whims of a corporation failing even a single person in such a situation would leave me scarred. This little board has many failure-mode that don't make it ideal for such a situation, i am not fooling myself, but i have seen corporations/capitalism damage too many things of value to pretend it couldn't happen on Discord. Also this place has the ability to (1) be a actual demonstration that "you are not alone" (2) can be a safe place for the vulnerable (3) can actually be "unsafe" enough to help really-existing very vulnerable people over pearl-clutchers and tone-police and the professionally-offended and those who want to weaponize peace-love-and-understanding.

[troebia]

No matter where the "day-to-day" chat of this fine group of people goes (there are some arguments for moving to Discord), i will never abandon this little phpBB board
the ability to *always* be able to do the safe & humane & compassionate & effective thing with regards to take of <suicide> makes this little board always staying up so important, full stop.

You rock, Manny Moe!

[troebia]

Imaginary life (III)

I have had a couple of difficult days with tinnitus that fluctuates from a screaming jet to varying, odd high-pitched almost musical tones. In the moments of relative calm I'm simply thankful. There is so little I actually consider necessary in life. Feeling the warm sun while resting in the shade is so blissful. I'll go to bed alone since my wife always stays up until after midnight watching TV with MIL. I miss so much the snuggling together with a woman in bed before going to sleep. I miss getting a spontaneous hug, let alone a kiss. I dream about exchanging a few trivial thoughts sometimes that have nothing to do with maintenance. Good night.

[manuel_moe_g]

I'll go to bed alone since my wife always stays up until after midnight watching TV with MIL. I miss so much the snuggling together with a woman in bed before going to sleep. I miss getting a spontaneous hug, let alone a kiss.

I am getting a little more brave communicating directly with my wife my needs for touch and intimacy. Still too scared to lay it all out there what my needs are with regards to sex.

[troebia]

Why should we be so scared to acknowledge to ourselves and our partners that we have the physical need to have sex? Whenever I bring up the subject with my wife I feel extremely un-sexy, like I was in need of adult diapers (No shame in that btw but not sexy, let's face it).

My wife is uncomfortably aware that I use pornographic content on the internet to "relieve" myself regularly. With perfect 20/20 hindsight, I wonder what would have been the lay of the land today if before marrying I'd said:
"This is going great right now but I'd like to give you a heads up, if we ever don't have sex twice a week anymore it means permission to seek satisfaction elsewhere". Just like that.

[snoringdog]

I'm a little ashamed/chagrined to admit that my wife and i haven't had sex since around the start of Covid.
Sex is such a fraught topic. I wish it wasn't a thing.
Afraid to submit this post, but here goes.

[manuel_moe_g]

I want to be sexually desired. I don't want my wife to force herself to have sex, if sex is off-the-table post-menopause, well, so be it. I just hate the part where the simple desire is suspect, i hate that my sexual needs are treated like it they are nothing of significance.

[troebia]

Heavy thoughts, I feel you both. The thing is that a reasonably healthy man will keep his libido almost intact until a very advanced age, while the same is not true for most women, although some will. Statistically I may have about fifteen years left of being physically able to have "PIV" sex, and missing out on so much potential intimacy is a rather depressing thought.

I'm starting to think that some spiritual minded women can read my angst written plainly in my face, because yesterday it happened again. I was at a local grain store buying chicken feed, and a car parked next to mine. Two gypsy women my age and a very old man (maybe their father) got out and walked past me. One of the women fixed her gaze on me and it was like that time recently in the bar in Italy again. A man from the store called out to them and she suddenly released me to the ground again like a puppet, like in those Marvel movies where the superheroine is able to lift heavy objects with her thought. There was no excitement, neither attraction really, but definitely some kind of connection and I can't explain why. I could meet the glances of hundreds of bored women in the supermarket checkout line without feeling anything like it. Life is strange and sometimes also wonderful.

[Mental Fairy]

I do have a little input on this topic.

Need to gather my thoughts and will share. This is going to be a bit of a challenge to write but will probably shock you guys. Hold that thought!

Back soon, teeth to drill, fill, polish and clean. Buzz buzz.