Troebia's Diary

[troebia]

I do have a little input on this topic.

I'm all ears.

[Mental Fairy]

Ok, I’m back.

Affection and attraction is a unique thing for each person, at the end of the day we are all after acceptance, the feeling of a touch in a way that feeds a deep seated primal hunger for intimacy and sexual pleasure. That pleasure doesn’t always have to have the end goal of penetrative intercourse. It can happen in so many ways, driven by lust, so called love or even a mutual friendship based on agreement.

Some relationships, marriages and friendships burn out over time. They take many paths and sometimes sadly the destination is as dry as the desert in outback Australia that can go on for miles and miles. The so called flame can waver, flicker, burn bright and then poof it’s gone. Sometimes due to hormones or lack of openness between the two people involved, loss of attraction.

I’m going to be honest here and say I struggle so deeply to this day with intimacy and sex. Why? Unhealthy exposure as a young one, not knowing the boundaries of my own self respect at times, and at times an unhealthy relationship with others and myself included. Finding the book Joy Of Sex in picture for at age five didn’t help! Mum having a line of men coming and going also played a part in my future self awareness on the sexual front goes.

As I sit here typing this on my bed, cat at my feet and laptop in hand, I am acutely aware that under my bed is a plethora of things that I have tried, experimented with and allowed an appointed other to use on me.

A while ago I was away on dental conference and my husband lost the tv remote. He came across some things and immediately text me an image of things he found asking what in earth these objects were. I can’t explain the level of shame and guilt I felt. I tried to explain but felt exposed, dirty and sick to my stomach with myself. You see, I struggled to communicate with him my own needs and wants. He absolutely is not on the same wavelength as me when it comes to this stuff. He makes vanilla look fruity.
There is fantasy after fantasy in my head of things I would absolutely love to do, try, attend or even experience on a different level but I know that he is absolutely opposed to it. There is absolutely no way in this lifetime I could do the things I would like to do while he is with me. The shame from that text still goes on to this day.

Then there is me, what I have been prepared to try and have in my sexual moments.
My therapist I saw many years ago when I had my breakdown asked if I allowed others to do to me what my abuser did to me. I couldn’t answer. It sickened me the thoughts I had and have had all these years. Yes, I absolutely understand why people subjected to sexual abuse desire for the scenario to play out again in a control environment with someone else. I’ve been there.
What turns my lights green is sensory perception of desire. I can’t get into a sexual situation without sensory stimulation in the form of sound, scent and slow motion. This sounds so odd I know. When I hear a particular beat to music, the sound of sexual pleasure or a lovely smell on an attractive person or even really slow touch my head explodes with desire. Obviously blind folding is not on my list of must does but my recent experience of wearing a sleeping mask has made me a big jumpy. I might not want to be blindfolded but tied up yes please. It’s madness really. I do love a challenge!
Porn does absolutely nothing for me unless it’s real, but again I don’t need the vision, it’s just the sound. The sound alone is incredible. Who doesn’t like the sound of desire, being desired or giving someone pleasure? My husband is absolutely not into it, the sound of it and would never entertain the idea of it. Running, well I’m anybodies after a long run! Natural chemicals in the brain, beautiful.

Next, well it’s the battle with one’s self. When I was training hard and at my fittest I had incredible drive. Sadly that drive was not meet halfway as apparently I didn’t have enough meat on my bones. My beasts were not as big or my bones in my shoulders were too exposed. I was too skinny, too fit, and not a pleasure to be with.

Since gaining a little weight (currently 68kg) I’m more desirable, have more meat on my bones and bigger breasts. I on the other hand hate it, my desire level has plummeted in my marriage ten fold. I don’t want to be seen naked. Why? I don’t love myself enough yet. I’m trying, believe me I am. However, the more I train, get back to my fitness I once had his desire will lack the more toned I am. It’s a seesaw effect.

The stuff I have done in the past has been incredible but also not overly healthy in a way. I’ve tested boundaries and my husband is aware I have also been with a female (same one) three times. He knows my desires far outreach his, in turn causing an unspoken frustration that has lead me to darker places and actions.
The power of intimacy and desire is incredible, even with a simple look or brush of a hand or shoulder. It happens a lot in a medical practice with a large number of staff who are never home. Heck it happens multiple times this week.

So much like you all, I too fall into a category of deep frustration and also confusion. I do desire my husband yes, but not in the way I wish I could. His only goal is to reach the finish line and go to sleep. Mine is to focus on senses and be like a turtle until the point of no return. Which I am aware you all wish for yourselves.

Lust is a whole different topic and I personally feel more explosive and dangerous. But omg it’s so bloody tank filling.

I could go into things a lot more but I fear I have bored you all to sleep and you’re going to need to rub the imprint of your keyboards off your cheeks or foreheads.

Surprise!

[troebia]

MF, a very open account and lots of respect to you for willing to share. Some things rather startled me because I recognised situations or have similar feelings. I will try to respond just as openly. Right now it's as if some of your words tore up a badly healed wound inside me. There is also, oddly, an inspiration to express art -- something knocked out of its familiar orbit and now circling to the core. Overwhelming.

[Mental Fairy]

As soon as I read one of your posts and then MM and SD stepped in and gave their story I chewed on it over a couple of days. All day today it’s all I’ve thought about.
There is so many sub topics to this subject that many feel shame about.

It runs deep for me.

Currently I fear and am struggling to have touch as I don’t feel presentable enough, I’m almost there with the self love but not sure when I will reach that full acceptance. Yet I know if I keep training like I am I’ll get that sexual feeling more but husband will be more turned off.

Mind f*#k!

Massive hug to you my friend

[troebia]

not sure when I will reach that full acceptance

Delving into this territory too and now feeling as if on a quest, I can already feel the imaginary stranglehold of judgement (from myself, from others) slowly releasing its grip. Maybe some day I'll be a fearless, independently thinking person using my mind fully as a vehicle to go off-road into the jungle of imagination (like a lesser David Hockney, but still...) under nobody's thumb, creatively and intellectually. An artist never asks "Am I allowed to create that?" A truly liberated mind is not ashamed of having certain fetishes, certain rituals and desires that doesn't hurt anyone, quite the contrary.

[Mental Fairy]

The journey of self acceptance is difficult, I’ve found I’ve had to grieve on multiple levels. To open doors in my mind that have been sealed shut and boarded over. Breaking open those doors is confronting and complex. I was told many times I was a walking explosion waiting to happen, the problem was it was imploding and not exploding.

Troebia, when you first meet your wife was it romantic, sexual energy from the start or was it a slow burn?

On the journey of breath work I’ve been on, meditation and grounding I have found it flows into many aspects of my day to day life. Sadly not in the romantic part. That’s an area I for some reason am unable to cross for some reason, not for lack of trying either. Fail most times. There is a huge desire to be held, to be touched in particular ways and to be desired in a slow way, not rushed, or on guard all the time.

This morning for an example. Got up before husband and went and sat outside by myself to watch the stars. I’ve been running for the last four days so today was my day off. I knew he wanted to go out for breakfast but the cafe he wanted to go to doesn’t open till 9. We are early risers and by 7am I’m getting frustrated as there is a list of things I need to do. For some reason I was feeling deep desire to be held or touched but I knew and know that he is incapable of pleasing that desire. Feeling like we were wasting time we went to our local cafe instead which opens at 8. Got that over with and planned the next thing. Knowing we needed to see my husband’s very old grandpa I asked if we could bike the 3km to get there. He agreed. I was shocked. Big tick in my box! (Pardon the pun)
The desire came back, then got home and felt immediately deflated as he took off to mow lawns at the orchard and do the edges. I remained home and painted the kitchen.
There are flickers of hope and desire but they fade really fast.

What i failed to mention is before going to the cafe I refreshed my memory of a past habit to see if I could light a spark. Can’t believe I’m about to tell you all this but look up bonniealex on pornhub. That is the one and only videos I would ever listen to or watch prior to instigating intimate moments many years ago.It was and probably still is the only way I could go from zero to 100 and not complain about how fast it was. If I was aloud to use this as a catalyst to bedroom boogie that is. The relationship and intimacy they have on that platform is so 120% me. That kind of connection is my biggest desire. Getting to that feels impossible.

The other thing I’m currently really interested about is using meditation or visualisation to help in this department, both for self acceptance but also to try focus in the feelings in the moment.

Maybe we need to come up with different approaches? Be more vulnerable.


Isn’t love making an art form after all?

[snoringdog]

I do have a little input on this topic.

Wow, thank you for being so opened about this stuff. I was ashamed to post the little bit I did. (What am I admitting as a husband or a man?)

There is so many sub-topics to this subject that many feel (shame, confusion, unease) about.

Indeed (raises hand).
Where to even begin?

Why should we be so scared to acknowledge to ourselves and our partners that we have the physical need to have sex?

I am getting a little more brave communicating directly with my wife my needs for touch and intimacy. Still too scared to lay it all out there what my needs are with regards to sex.

I guess

#1. Accepting that it's a part of our biology (We're not making this stuff up, dammit.)

#2. And not being ashamed to ask for physical and sexual contact. (Shame over sex goes back to the garden, if the scriptures are to be believed).

So, expressing needs and desires can be done thru

A Physical touch, gestures.
B Verbal communication.
C Written communication.

I'm wondering if C might be best for me to do at the moment...

[troebia]

Minor MIL update:
Wife had a niece with boyfriend here over the weekend. I was downstairs all day yesterday (not outside since the weather was bad), and when I came upstairs I met boyfriend's look of absolute dread on his face. MIL had been holding court in the living room for hours doing the remember-routine, talking non-stop about minor events and even doing dialogues theatrical-style going back to her childhood. I was quite tempted to come up to him and say, now try putting up with this for four years straight! The niece should in theory be one of the persons to share the care for MIL.

[troebia]

C Written communication.
I'm wondering if C might be best for me to do at the moment...

SD, C might be a good start! We are thinking animals and our brain is connected to our physical senses. You pull at one end and there will be some sort of reaction at the other.

Troebia, when you first meet your wife was it romantic, sexual energy from the start or was it a slow burn?

That is a good question, MF. It was definitely not love or passion at first sight. The woman I had been with before my wife, for two years, had much more sexual energy and playful initiative but on the other hand she was very unstable due to childhood trauma and bulimia. In hindsight I probably should have supported her more, but she would insist everything was OK until the very moment of each breakdown, and it was confusing and harrowing to spend more than a few days in a row with her. She broke up with me for another guy and I was very down for a year. I had a few absurd flings after that but I wanted more from a partner than just sex: someone to talk to, to experience life with...and I either couldn't find those women or they were out of my league.

I met the woman who I'd marry during a summer while both travelling solo in Europe, and it started with sharing a taxi for practical reasons. Then we went sightseeing together and after a couple of days we said goodbye, with a hug but very unromantically. She had my address and after a few weeks I got a snail mail. We were writing each other all year and I think there was a spark. I went to see her next summer in Spain and there the actual relationship started. She was sharing a flat and I moved in with her later that year. It wasn't as consequential as it seems to be nowadays, I simply was at the end of a job and had been saving for a while for a longer trip. Spain was a hard landing for me in the sense that there is a lot of abuse from private employers (extra hours without pay, contractual fraud, nepotism etc.) and I was actually lucky to get my foot into IT as an assistant, then working my way up to managing systems remotely from home long before it even became a thing. She on the other hand had a steady civil servant job and was always the main breadwinner.

I think that my constant job insecurity and the fact that I had to learn and adapt to the Spanish way of living and socialising was what made our marriage unequal and listing from the start. I could never satisfy her demands regarding her parents: she wanted me to be courteous and respectful when what I really wanted was to not see them at all. Old ways, insincerity, always expecting respect and to be given the last word. I actually had to live with them for a couple of years while I worked in the city and she was working in a village too far away to commute to, and today it baffles me that I didn't explode. In a parallel universe I would have gotten somewhere else to live and extricated myself from her parents, but that would probably have been the end of the relationship.

Sex was good with my wife during the first years. On the whole, it didn't seem that important that my particular desires to play and explore weren't fulfilled. A few years ago, a mutual friend told me that me and my wife were too alike in thought, that there wasn't any current because we were of the same polarity . On the positive side of that, after buying the house we are living in we had good teamwork with doing the reno. It took three years before we could move in, with our modest capabilities. She has always run a tight ship and has meals and chores planned days in advance. I'm less organised, more spontaneous...she would say lazy which probably means that I care for my comfort before losing my breath for other people who are so used to attention they don't even notice.

Can’t believe I’m about to tell you all this but look up bonniealex on pornhub.

It's actually very elegant and sensual: fixed shots without too many cuts or extreme closeups, slow movements and it's often the woman who makes the move to another position. Here's another video which pushes some of my particular buttons, it involves roleplay and also disguise since the actress wears coloured contact lenses (wigs are also a big turn-on for me):
https://www.pornhub.com/view_video.php?viewkey=ph639b5ca92acd0
I admit this narrative is much less tasteful than your example and the woman is more objectified, although she is portrayed to have some agency and special skills. There aren't any movements to change positions, just abrupt cuts, and there are too many "pneumatic" closeups. I think I would have made a better job out of that shooting! I also think toys are exciting. There is a whole genre where the woman wears a remotely controlled stimulator in public and I find it very kinky, though the videos I've seen are made with frustratingly little imagination. And as a rather "fugly" person myself, I struggle to find content with more normal-looking women without so much surgery

Isn’t love making an art form after all?

Definitely. And a very essential one.

[troebia]

Brief intermission
It's been getting a little steamy in here, so please let's look at a sky with a cloud to remind us that everything is not about sex.
(We just wouldn't be here without it.)

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