Troebia's Diary

[troebia]

I can't share this anywhere except here with you guys: My wife and I just came back from a five day trip, I won't say where to but it was in Europe a couple of hours away by plane. I thought there would be at least one moment to recalibrate = cuddles --> sex but no. On our way back home from the airport, innocent me thought that we'd have some days on our own at home but MIL was picked up on the way. I swear I cannot bear to even look her way, let alone say a polite "Good morning". I'm literally grinding my teeth right now. Due to planned visits by friends I appreciate and also family, I am now obliged to play nice for at least a month. I am fuming.

[manuel_moe_g]

Yeah, I feel terrible, Troebia, about what a long shadow your mother-in-law casts over your home. You deserve a home without that imposition, because it poisons everything. Please take care

[snoringdog]

Isn't it sad that we cannot simply ask for what we want?
Without shame or hesitation?

I've withdrawn sexually from my wife since Covid (several concurrent life events conspired), and it seems mutual, though there's been an emotional thawing recently. (Not that she's ever really made overtures, even for physical touch. I blame family upbringing and the cult experience).

So, how to reconnect?
Seems simple, but how the 'break the ice"? Maybe jump right in?

All I want is a connection, but I'm also leery of "being absorbed"
"Because you hearkened to the voice of your wife"... (Genesis)

Weird thinking? YES! But a thing? Yes!

Shit.

Thinking to much...

[troebia]

You deserve a home without that imposition, because it poisons everything.

That's the thing, isn't it. One doesn't deserve anything, one decides to act. But right now it seems my partner well knows that I feel bound to the circumstances here. I have a female good IRL friend I can unload my misery to but it doesn't really solve anything. And with male IRL friends there's the issue of the "bro" mentality, to not really acknowledge real feelings of weakness.

Isn't it sad that we cannot simply ask for what we want?
Without shame or hesitation?

Oh, I do ask, and what comes back at me is the classic sex-shaming: "You just want to use me like a fuck-doll" "That's all that matters to you, isn't it".

All I want is a connection, but I'm also leery of "being absorbed"
"Because you hearkened to the voice of your wife"... (Genesis)...

Imo, having a good sexual connection is something marvellous. I don't have the baggage of religion to tell me it's wrong somehow to get absorbed in the moment by the pleasures of sex. Speaking of obsessions, I once had a short relationship with a girl that had some kind of female goddess syndrome and she thought everything about her parts was spiritual and magic...and way too complicated

[manuel_moe_g]

Oh, I do ask, and what comes back at me is the classic sex-shaming: "You just want to use me like a fuck-doll" "That's all that matters to you, isn't it".

A husband wanting sex in marriage with his wife has nothing to do with "You just want to use me like a fuck-doll", that is insane.

(obviously, i talk a good game, but I sense the same dynamic with my own wife)

all the very best, Troebia

[troebia]

From what I've read, it's very common for post-menopausal women to completely lose interest in sex. But the hormonal blockage is much less important than the mental one, since she puts intimacy with me (just another chore?) below all the other stuff, MIL being at the absolute top.

I've suddenly realised how vulnerable I am, and why just being in proximity to other women more or less my age at drawing meetups etc is so emotionally painful. I am craving those glances, their feminine gestures, their sweet voices. It's a mirage of course, since most of these women are probably just as complicated as my wife. It's a void inside me that no porn can fill. Maybe in a hundred years or less there will be companion robots that can be programmed to satisfy emotional hunger, for men and for women alike. I raise my glass to you, o lucky people of the future.

[troebia]

[continued]
A sudden thought: I realise that if the occasion should arise, I would abandon everything for a simpler life more connected to my inner desires. A significant other that likes cuddles and me working in some sort of craft. Minimal possessions, minimal everything. A return to the human dimension, without being constantly tossed around. Being in charge of my own small life.

[troebia]

A pleasant surprise: a sketch I did a year ago was selected for an upcoming beach art event.

poster.jpg (148.37 KiB) Viewed 533 times

[troebia]

This diary thread is becoming a scattershot mood board of my thoughts. Just listened to this: https://www.moma.org/audio/playlist/261/3371

I'm a big fan of Cindy Sherman and the description of her thoughts behind the clown images (in the link) made it doubly painful. Today's mood: feeling like an alcoholic, frustrated clown.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello Troebia

Not surprised you art was chosen for the art event, you are a great artist