Awkward

[threeletters]

@EliCash, I'm pretty sure you just opened a little door in my mind and took a stroll. That is EXACTLY how I feel. I spent about three weeks in December on my couch going through that cycle. I did, however, manage to get through the entire series of Friday Night Lights and through a couple of seasons of Angel and Buffy. I forgot how awesome Buffy is. But I digress.

I just read this article on LifeHacker about Jerry Seinfeld's secret to avoid procrastination and I'm pretty sure I'm going to try it. It's called "Don't Break the Chain" because you make a big, red X on the days when you accomplish your goals (the article explains how to make them realistic). My personality is PERFECT for this because as soon as I can SEE my progress I get incredibly addicted to keeping it going. My anxious fear of "dropping the ball" ends up working in my favor (I think). Here's the link:

http://lifehacker.com/5886128/how-seinf ... pular=true

[dare i say it]

Sounds awesome. Thanks for the tip, three.

[justdom]

Hi everyone-I'm just checking back in.

So the place where I was seeing my therapist said they wouldn't have anyone available till the end of this month, and I figured that if it would be a couple more weeks till my original therapist returns, maybe that's the best thing to do. At the very least, I wouldn't need to restart the process with someone else.

I'm currently winding up a few projects. I'm finishing my 'preparing to teach' qualification, as well as my last week of classes for my degree. Part of me is very much looking forward to having a lot more time to do nothing, though I'm working hard not to feel like I need to fill it up by doing something else. I even find myself wanting less to fantasize about the future, and trying to focus and breathe in the present, even if it's not pretty.

One of the things I'm still struggling to get any handle on is the energy-sapping power this depression has. I'm now aware when I'm depressed, but I don't seem to be able to do anything. I've taken to walking around the block when it comes on, but that's not always practical. I'm just sort of surprised how in a matter of hours I go from feeling 'pretty okay' to wanting just to sleep for a month. It's a challenge to get things that would help find work done, much less working. I am thinking about talking to my doctor (GP) about going back on medication, but I think I may wait till after exams-after my last experience with them, I realise it's going to take quite a while to get the right cocktail. I'm already feeling a little distressed about school, and I'd rather not add anything to the mix.

[manuel_moe_g]

I even find myself wanting less to fantasize about the future, and trying to focus and breathe in the present, even if it's not pretty.

Yeah, I am working too on being more "present" focused - thinking about how that is the only way to be present for somebody's else's suffering, and to be open to learn.

I'm just sort of surprised how in a matter of hours I go from feeling 'pretty okay' to wanting just to sleep for a month.

This is another one I am always working on. I had to do some handyman chores, I was so angry at myself at how slow I am to get started with my day, and how slow I work, and how I need to sleep the instant I get home. Changing my relationship with failure helps - I am learning to be OK with my rate of work.

All the best, glad you checked in, we are cheering for your very best today and tomorrow!

[justdom]

Classes for me finished yesterday. That means from now till may, I don't have to worry about learning anything new, and can focus on finishing my coursework and concentrate on these final exams.

...oh I wish that was the view my mind would take.

The last couple of years have been rough, so I've not done as well as I think I should have (I know what that sentence means, but hold on). I know I was able to progress to this-my final year-in my degree because I passed last year, but I don't even know the grades I got then to say how well I think I'm doing. Part of me feels like if I saw they were 'good', I'd slack off, and if they were 'bad', I wouldn't bother doing anything else.

The course has been tougher, so the grades from my assignments haven't been good either. In context though, assignments count for 20% of the total mark; I can still do well by doing well on the exam. Part of me thinks that best I can do is make myself as ready as I can. The other part of me, which I'm very much aware of is thinking 'There's no point; you didn't do as well as you should've. At least if you don't prepare, you can determine what's gonna happen instead of preparing and studying and finding out it was pointless'. I know this saboteur-I even get it when I'm competing-'you don't wanna do THAT well, 'cuz all these people are watching, and then they'll expect more from you'. It's ridiculous.

So I'm reaching out to you guys out there. I do want to do my best to prepare for my finals, even if it means maybe only doing marginally better, but I know it will all too easy to get caught up trivia and somehow fulfil my negative wishes. Does this happen to you? How do you manage it? I really wasn't aware how built in my self-saboteur was; it'd be something else to bring to the couch when I get back there.

[manuel_moe_g]

So I'm reaching out to you guys out there. I do want to do my best to prepare for my finals, even if it means maybe only doing marginally better, but I know it will all too easy to get caught up trivia and somehow fulfil my negative wishes. Does this happen to you? How do you manage it? I really wasn't aware how built in my self-saboteur was; it'd be something else to bring to the couch when I get back there.

For me it is a healthy realistic friendly relationship with failure. If my am only running away from failure, I will procrastinate. If I really accept failure and let the feeling of failure flow through me without resistance, then I can forgive myself for my past, and work at a rate compatible with not breaking down. I can forgive myself for my past, my past has no more emotional hold over me, I just use my past for information about what works and what doesn't work, and I put one foot ahead of the other. If my natural rate of work makes failure certain, then I let the certain failure flow through me without resistance, and I completely accept the failure in a friendly way.

If I try to terrorize myself into working with fear of failure, I just break-down into time-wasting and procrastination, because my internal stress is so great, there is no room left inside my head to work.

I am sure this advice sucks, but play with it for no more than 360 seconds, and see what you make of it. Cheers, all the best, we are all cheering for your greatest today and tomorrow!

[justdom]

If my natural rate of work makes failure certain, then I let the certain failure flow through me without resistance, and I completely accept the failure in a friendly way.

Wow, I know you're right, but my ego is railing at the thought that I could possibly 'not succeed' despite my attempts. I think so much emphasis has been placed on 'if you do x, and keep doing it, you'll get y', so the idea that this may not be true, even though it's real, it's unsettling. I think it makes sense that you have the right to try your best at something, you don't have the right to guarantee it's result.

[dare i say it]

I think it makes sense that you have the right to try your best at something, you don't have the right to guarantee it's result.

That's well said. I like that a lot. Accepting uncertainty, celebrating partial success, and feeling peace with myself whether I'm the best ________ in the room or not. Those are all big challenges for me.

[manuel_moe_g]

my ego is railing at the thought that I could possibly 'not succeed' despite my attempts

This was the horror of my college years - I had to go to such fantastic lengths to keep my ego from being degraded, and one part of that was academic self-sabotage. Very hard to perform at peak effectiveness when your ego is diverting so much energy at self-preservation, and when there is TOO MUCH at stake, some personality types make one shut down. My wife, when the going gets tough and there is a lot at stake, she gets a rush of energy and focus and goes into overdrive. For me, when there is TOO MUCH at stake, I fall apart and want to sleep my life away, which is deadly for me.

Please take care, obviously I don't have the answers because I struggle with basic communication, but just something to think about for you to rise above, all the best, we are cheering for your greatest today and tomorrow!

[justdom]

I had to go to such fantastic lengths to keep my ego from being degraded, and one part of that was academic self-sabotage. Very hard to perform at peak effectiveness when your ego is diverting so much energy at self-preservation, and when there is TOO MUCH at stake, some personality types make one shut down.

This is me. Even now, I actually find myself thinking 'It's not gonna be good enough, why bother?'

I actually was aware of a 'trigger' on Monday. I went to pick up a completed assignment, and the grade was lower than expected. I went to look for the professor to see if I could sit with her to go over what I had done wrong. She was on the phone, and she did seem she was rushing out, but she did say to make an appointment for either Wednesday (today) or Friday. That sounds rational. What my mind heard was 'You didn't do well enough, and she's busy-she probably doesn't think you're worth any time either. Maybe you've already failed. Why should you care?' I realise that because My identity is linked to my performance, and especially academic. Poor results mean I'm inadequate. It also means there's no room for error or failure, as that would mean that I'm, well, a failure. I had to work really hard to reframe the argument to prevent the downward spiral, but the feelings are still there.

I was reading on someone else post about how their depression has been interfering with their relationship life. I'm become more aware not only when I'm depressed, but the fact that I've been so for so long. But there's one thing I'm have reached the end of my rope with-being considered 'nice', especially among potential friends and love interests. It's fucking rage-inducing. I've even started calling myself 'the relationship maker' because everyone that goes out with me, seems to find the partner shortly afterwards, and it's never ME. What I do get to hear is 'they're really nice, like you'. Why is my politeness used as a barometer for other people? And I realise when people say that, what they mean is that don't really have an opinion of you. It's like saying 'flowers are nice'.

I was/am very sensitive to my environment, and my home life was always tense. I never liked conflict, so being 'nice' was my mechanism for disarming instances where I'd have to be to that. And I think that's what's coming out now. I'm so nice, I have no personality. What's funny though is that it's been a similar deal with my work life. I would be so polite and agreeable that I'd be everything to my boss except, well, me. I did actually joke to my therapist that I think my work and sex life are connected somehow. I don't think turning into an asshole is the solution, but I need to work through a way of accepting conflict, and that actually having prickly bits is what helps people to stick to you.