too difficult of a journey

[Kayleigh]

Hi,
I am here at a really really low part of my life right now.
ironically, I work at a mental health agency yet I can't myself afford decent therapy.

I have been in therapy on an off most of my life.
I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was a kid and it has dogged me my entire life.

I have had moments where I thought things would be OK... and where i actually felt that my perserverance paid off but lately... .I feel that has all been a big lie.

My mother died 2 years ago.. my father died several years before that. Both relatively young. 60 and 76.

I am an only child.

I am in a relationship with a guy who is ..who can be really wonderful.. but is hard on his luck really badly right now.. and I am supporting him.

I don't take drugs.. I drink minimally, I am not on any anti depressants (altough I have taken them years ago and will never go back). I have worked very hard on myself. I had a spiritual practice, but after my mother died any "support" I should have had from that community dumped me. They basically kicked me out of the group... right when I was at my lowest. Guess they didn't want someone who was depressed and having a nervous breakdown about her mother dying to bring them down. I haven't heard from any of them since.

I know folks have told me I am "always" depressed" but I know that isn't true. I have (had) a strong desire to be a nice loving person.. I have an inate ability to be nurtuing and caring.. to the point of MY self destruction.. and i feel that I am in that cycle once again.

I had a lot of dreams. I love learning new things.. I was to change my life and I am currently trying in vain to do that.. but I have failed. I got myself stuck in between and I don't know how to get out.

I never was very successful. Never personally had a lot of money. I got some money from my mother and was using that to transform and make a big shift to a different more simple way of life.. but I can't seem to even do that right.

I just feel that everything I try I fail. REally.. I have hardly any talents... I feel I am one big fake. I try but just see failure. I feel lke my life is cursed .. and bad luck keeps kicking me when I get any step up. I am terrified.. really terrified of seriously failing . My partner has tried to help me see that I do have $ and resources.. but the way things have been going I can't move forward and all that is draining away. Add that the world problems that are pressing down.. it doesn't help. So... any chance at being successful seems to be fading. Yet,.. everyone else around me seems to be doing fine, they are all going back to school, they have loving families that are supportive .. and they are smart and talented and people respect them.

No one respects me. Because of my ADHD.. I get manic and hyper and that freaks people out. I am really into a wide range of subjects .. from occult, to politics to very opinionated stuff.. and I guess I have dumped that on people (although they can put stuff out there and people listen to them)... I felt I was "smart".. just not smart enough.

I am at a loss. .. a real loss this time. My partner is really relying on me as they are going trhough hard times. We had these plans and they seemed so reasonable to achieve.. but now.. I feel like I am seriously going to fail.. and that perhaps I am not worthy.. perhaps all I am supposed to do is die and give my $$ to my partner who is far more talented and better than I.. and who has done more for others than I have.

I just don't know what my purpose here on earth is. My Ego sucks.. I am too much in my head.. I just want to isolate myself because I know I am just a pain in the ass to everyone and So If I just stay away they won't have to put up with me...

I am glad I found this .. although I wonder if it is "real"....

I do journal... on and off. I wanted to get more into YOGA and meditation.

My sleep over the past month has been awful. waking up at 3am every day.. although last night I finally slept through the night and actually feel calm and strangly at peace.. although depressed.

I know some have tried to peg the Manic Depression on me and no. I don't have that.. my "depression" is a systematic environmental thing. I have had periods where I felt great.. but every since my mother died... nothing has turned out right.. I keep getting my nose rubbed into my failures. Every time I try and rack up the courage to try anything.. something comes alongs and ruins it or takes all the energy out of the room for me. I felt I could have been talented.. but luck never was on my side. Timing sucks in my life.. Nothing is syncing up and I am at a free fall at this point...

I don't know what else to do.

[dare i say it]

I am glad I found this .. although I wonder if it is "real"....

It is real. The forum is real. There are real people here who in some cases have suffered as intensely as you are suffering right now. I am not a mental health professional, but I am someone who has suffered greatly with mood disorders in the past. My life is a work in progress, but I have climbed out of the darkness enough to say a few things to you with absolute clarity.

Assuming your words are genuine (and I do), the thoughts and feelings you describe are symptoms of an illness. I don't care which diagnosis gets put on it. The label is irrelevant to me. The hopelessness, the feeling of being overwhelmed, the urge to isolate, the not knowing where to start, the intense preoccupation with "failing," the not knowing where to start, the feeling of inevitability--all of them are part of a nasty cocktail of symptoms that only serve to keep your illness going. That's not the real Kayleigh. The real Kayleigh will show up as you get your illness properly treated.

I'm glad you're here with us in the forum. Please use us as a stepping stone to give your mental well-being the attention it deserves. I was unemployed and without insurance when I reached out to professional help this time around, so I know how difficult that can be. I also know how tempting it is to give in to thoughts like, "There's nothing I can do. There's no way for me to find affordable help. I'm too busy. I tried before and it didn't work. It's all pointless. No one could possibly fix me." Again, these thoughts are the illness's way of keeping Kayleigh ill. Yes, there are real hurdles to getting better, but there are also ways to get past those hurdles.

If you can't think of a way to access professional help, go see any primary care doctor, describe what you described to us and ask for a referral to help that you can afford. Your other option is to call 1-800-273-8255 in the US, or go to http://www.befrienders.org outside the US. Those are 24-hr suicide crisis hotlines and I believe they can put you in touch with professional help in your area no matter where you live.

[Kayleigh]

thanks.
I guess I disagree with viewing it as an "illness".. on that while I recognise that there are things that I grew up with that made me who I am.. I have worked hard to be conscious and aware of my issues.. and have often felt incredibly motivated and acted upon those motivations....which helped me gain ground for a brief moment.

I feel much of the depression I feel is environmental. I feel like I have to fight for right to be happy.

I have tried to be the 'adult" the "grown up" do the "right thing" and it hasn't gotten me anywhere and I feel currently like I am in a futile situation.

Of course I was going to be depressed when my mother died.... and of course it stirred up all my past issues and to top it off.. what they say is true.. folks only will be there for your a few months after a death.. after that.. they drop off the face of the earth.

and that didn't help.

I know folks say it is a "choice".. and consciously. I DO want to be happy.. and I can be happy when good things occur.. but when you get repeated obstacles sometimes you just feel really really really run down. I have had no positive refueling and have been running on fumes.. I just feel frustrated at this point.

I broke down and called a therapist I liked and have used in the past.. Most therapists suck.. insurance is limited.. most of the time I am rehashing my story over and over and I just this passive nod.. so I will break down and pay out of pocket 100+ an hour for someone who actively talks to me... one of my stressors is $$ and I have put it off thinking I would pull through this rough patch.. "oh. .things are difficult. but they will get better" .... after saying that for a year.. and no improvement.. I can't fool myself anymore.

I do appreciate the podcast.. Often there are snippets from these peoples stories Like RU that I totally relate to.. and I don't feel like "its just me feeling this".. and I don't feel so alone....

[algernon]

Good morning new member Kayleigh!

I hope sincerely that your mentalpod.com experience helps more than you expect. It's real indeed the human experiences cited here, often with all candor possible.

I'm sorry for the loss of your parents and the sense of abandonment gotten from your "spiritual practice"....I wonder what they would say in defense of their cold response. As you are into politics, the answers may be found in that perspective. Humans are wonderful and strange as I wrote in here just last night.

"You are responsible for your own happiness" is a statement well worn that surely you've heard. It's one of the commandments (it MUST be!) of mental health.

I think you are smart enough and I respect you. I think also that placing energy into subjects like...."from occult, to politics to very opinionated stuff" and engaging people with such topics will always incite strong rebuttals because they are volatile topics. You recall the old saying about avoiding religion and politics in conversations? I'm on this because I've done it with my own strong and unconventional political views trying to tell the world what's wrong with it all. Politics as a topic in the age of the Internet is at best exhausting......then add religion to the mix, which I see as an adjunct to politics, and you have the ideal mental health buster. It's unrelenting and impossible to contain, so I've backed off hugely. Maybe that would be an idea for you?

In this material world of crazy competition, please put your finances in order asap. Discuss this with your BF and put a firm handle on money so you can control it. That your BF is "hard on his luck" presently invokes certain assumptions that you SURELY don't need to clarify, but if he's out of work from his central industry, suggest he do something to raise cash legally (cash is fine) and steady, even if nominal. Going to a job and making an income in itself has mental healing ability for both in the relationship.

We must never discount the toxic force of money problems on the human mind and....to glance at the subject of politics for a sentence....I believe that money problems and the dangerous fools that promote them are at the core of the nation's woe. This claim applies to both American political parties and our many many misguided citizens that indulge debt like eating M&Ms. So if you want an improved mind state, get rid of cable TV (as so many professional entertainers on mentalpod GRIMACE with that one!), quit smoking (if you do) and drink tea instead of any alcohol, cook at home instead of eating out and put a harness on the force of MONEY that you hold like the steering wheel of your car. Examine the subject of money for yourself and determine how to improve it, for better mental health.

Practice mindfulness. What is your attitude NOW? Check in with yourself often. Ask yourself habitually, "what do I think of this?" Then answer the question.

Become aware of and let pass without taxing your energy those revealing thoughts such that pepper your posting:

"trying in vain to do that.. but I have failed....I never was very successful....but I can't seem to even do that right....No one respects me....and that perhaps I am not worthy..."

Kayleigh, I am NOT saying you do not have these feelings and I know these lines are the useful measurement of your distress for the purpose of this forum. Again, when these thoughts come, be aware and let them go the best you can. DISPUTE them if they persist (Albert Ellis). Come as they will and mindfully let them go with no more than a passing regard....the essence of meditation. Gain the HABIT of this and it later becomes automatic. That is such a forgotten rule, the power of habit! Ask Bilbo Baggins, the Hobbit.

Become fluent in........self-compassion. That's a GREAT search engine word for the abundance of hits.

The period of human history we live in now is a frenzy like never before, so allow this into your understanding as you proceed in the work of personal happiness, which still exists to be had.

Thank you for such a bluntly honest introduction giving me the chance to offer out those solutions that I've learned to trust. I benefit from the lesson of presentation, to review the reasoning as I understand it, and again I hope you gain some positive momentum for your fight.

[dare i say it]

I guess I disagree with viewing it as an "illness"..

Okay, then let's not label it an "illness." If that term brings up painful feelings for you, then let's just say that your body and mind aren't working the way you would like them to. Just please be open to the possibility of change, and be open to accepting help.

I know folks say it is a "choice".. and consciously. I DO want to be happy.. and I can be happy when good things occur

I know in my heart that you desperately want to be happy. I want to be happier too. I believe it's a twisted insult to people suffering with depression to say that "happiness is a choice." It's much more compassionate, and more accurate, to say that the way we address the challenges in our lives is a choice. That's where my power is, not in simply waking up one day and saying, "I'm not going to be depressed anymore." It's more like, "I'm going to set aside my feelings of powerlessness and focus on things I can do today that are good for me. I'm going to set aside my pessimism and take steps to address my problems anyway. I'm going to set aside my ego and accept help today."